And I Didn't
by bookdiva
Summary: Episode 5x05 Densi tag. I'm team Deeks, all the way. (WOW, that sounds so Twilight-ish) I just feel like there's so many unresolved issues from the torture (what Sam said, Kensi fleeing and leaving Deeks there...) This attempts to scratch the surface. It starts with actual dialogue from the episode and continues with what I think should have happened (but obviously didn't)
1. And I Didn't

**And I didn't**

"Do you know how many returning veterans have been killed on motorcycles?"

_What the hell? _

"Do you know how many surfers survived shark attacks?"

Kensi is standing there, reading off all these random facts as if…

"What does that have to do with anything?"

_My point, _"Exactly."

"Look, deaths from motor vehicle collisions, specifically motorcycles, are more prominent than suicides and overdoses in returning veterans. Five times the national average."

"Okay, and I fully admit that is a tragic statistic, but it's irrelevant to me because I am _not_ a combat veteran."

"No, you're not," she said, stepping back defensively. "But you… you went through a very traumatic experience…"

_Oh. _

"Is _that_ what this is about?"

She walked around the car.

"I know what I'm talking about. Okay?"

I looked over my shoulder, away from her piercing gaze. Sure she does, with Jack. But what right did she have to look at me that way after she ran away? After she… left me?

"Risky behavior is one of the most common symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress," she continued.

"Maybe this isn't risky behavior," I cut in, even knowing full well that she was closer to the truth than was comfortable. "Maybe I just read some Kerouac and saw Easy Rider and I want to feel the wind in my hair," I smirked.

Playing things off as a joke was always easier, especially right now… and especially with Kensi.

"You can't feel the wind in your hair if you're wearing a helmet, genius," she snapped back.

As much as it hurt, I realized that this wasn't coming just from me.

"You know what, Kensi," I said as I walked toward her. "You don't… you don't have to worry about me."

"Yes I do."

"No," I returned equally fast. "You _don't_."

"_Yes I do,_" she returned narrowing her eyes. There was more expression in that one look than had passed between us, well, ever. The old Marty Deeks would have taken it and run with it. He would have... But he wasn't here.

There was a slight pause. Then, as was scarily becoming the norm, Kensi continued.

"You're my _partner_ Deeks," she said shaking her head, as if even she didn't fully believe the words coming out of her mouth. As if neither on acknowledging that word's double meaning made it go away. "It is _my _job to keep you safe."

The unspoken, _And I didn't,_ was heavy in the air.

She felt... guilty.

A part of me was glad. She left me there. She _should _feel guilty. But the cop side of me understood. Had the roles been reversed, I had no doubt that I wouldn't have left her. I would have defied rules and orders... _everything_. To get her out. To save her.

Just because I understood, that didn't make it all better. In fact, it made it worse.

Neither one of us could hold eye contact for more than a brief second, but it was enough to see tears shining in her eyes before she reached out and punched me lightly.

"Now get in the car and… put on your seatbelt."

And really, what was there to say? I was always the instigator of the talking… the one who dug deeper than the surface. And I couldn't do it anymore. At least, not right now.

"Yes mom," I responded instead. I pretended not to notice the disappointed droop of her shoulders. "You got a kid's seat in the back?"

And on the ride back to the mission, I tried to pretend that things weren't awkward. My "partner" (insert juvenile air quotes here) didn't carry the guilt of my torture. She didn't leave me behind with a mad man. There was _nothing_ tense about us.

Because we're good.

Right?


	2. And There It Is

It was interrogation time, and Kensi and I headed into the boat shed to talk with the latest suspect.

"Woah," I said, looking up at the large man in the interrogation room. "What sort of top secret naval experiment did you come from?"

"Deeks," Kensi sounded exasperated. Finally I'd get a reaction out of her. _Good. _"What…" she trailed off, as if she couldn't bring herself to offer the snarky reply I so desperately needed to hear. It would mean that everything was back to normal, or as normal as it ever was with us.

She didn't reply, and that just grated on my nerves more.

"Have a seat," she ordered.

"Have a… seat?" I repeated, surprised at her lack of retort. I cocked my head to the side and looked at her, but she avoided my gaze.

_Avoidance? Typical. _

The huge man walked around the table and sat down.

"You wanna tell me why I'm here?" he asked.

_Ha, _I thought. Maybe I'm just jaded - possibly slightly cynical - but he sounded… hinkey to me.

Kensi didn't waste any time.

"You know William Garret?" she asked.

I pulled a chair up to the table to assist Kensi in my usual way: irritating the suspect into saying things he otherwise wouldn't.

"Yeah, we served together," he answered.

"Obviously not on a submarine," I couldn't help but add.

Kensi just looked at me out of the corner of her eyes.

"His girlfriend, Robin, was abducted this morning," Kensi stated coldly.

"By who?" he asked, sounding genuinely surprised.

"Well we were hoping you could help us out with that," I replied.

"How the hell should I know?" he asked, immediately defensive.

"Cause you guys have a history," I said. "Evidently you went all Jose Canseco on him. Put a baseball bat through his window."

"Are you _trying_ to annoy me?"

_Yes,_ I thought with a smirk.

"He doesn't have to try," Kensi replied for me. "He's naturally annoying."

Well _that _ hurt.

"It's a gift, really," I said, once again hiding behind my humor. It sounded off, even to me, but I ignored Kensi's sideways glance. "I don't like to talk about it."

Her back straightened as the double meaning of my words seemed to hit her.

"Garret's a selfish ass," he responded, looking at me like he thought the ass part applied to me, too. It didn't bother me. I was beyond used to it at this point.

"We served together," he continued. "He developed some cool stuff, but it was me and my guys who actually built it and worked out the bugs."

"Because you have a degree in engineering," I stated more as a question. He took the bait.

"Two," he said. "Plus my PhD."

_Dang, can't argue with that. _

"I can also tear a phone book in half," he said leaning in toward me. "With my bear hands."

I tried not to visibly swallow.

_He is not Siderov. He cannot hurt me. I'm FINE! Keep it together. _

"Wow, I imagine that comes in pretty handy now that we're in the _digital_ age," I responded, again with the humor. "Where do you even _find _a phone book at this point?" I asked, turning toward Kensi. "Do you get it off Ebay?"

He pushed off the table and towered over me. I resisted the urge to grip my chair at this all-too-familiar position.

"Listen, beach boy! Any time-"

"Hey! Sit down, and shut up," Kensi cut in. Her shoulders were tense, and her jaw was clenched. Both were clear signs that she was beyond her breaking point. She'd lost control, and Bad Ass Blye _never _lost control.

It was the proof I was hoping I wouldn't find.

"And there it is," I said with a sigh.

Kensi didn't spare me a glance, just continued on with the interrogation.

"If you had anything to do with this, your next work out is going to be in a prison yard."

"Okay, okay" he replied. "I broke the guy's windshield. Big deal. I paid for it." He glared over at me before focusing back on Kensi. "All I wanted was a chance to cash in too."

"Cash in on what?" I asked.

"His start up," he replied, looking at me as if I was stupid. While not far from the truth, I still wasn't following. "I wanted him to share the wealth. It only seemed fair. I helped him work out those bugs in the past."

"Hang on a second," Kensi cut in. "His company can barely stay afloat."

"Then why'd the Navy let him out early?" he returned.

Now I was really lost. Damn, this lack of military background could be annoying at times.

"What does that have to do with anything?"I asked.

Kensi, however, seemed to understand.

"When a person in the military comes into a lot of money, they can get permission to leave because it's felt that their service is no longer a first priority."

"Wait, that's an actual _thing_?" I asked. _Lame. _

"It's an… unwritten thing."

_Right, _I thought. _And there's no double meaning there. _

"And it probably explains why Garret's naval records didn't give a reason for his discharge," she continued after a brief pause.

"But you said that Garret's company hasn't made any money," I reminded her.

"Right," she agreed, looking slightly confused again.

"It's about to," he chimed in again. "We were out celebrating, when I asked him to be a part of it. He got really condescending, and I guess I got a little worked up." He looked down at the table.

"How much money are we talking about?" Kensi asked.

"75 million, give or take," he replied.

Kensi stood, and so did I. Without a word, we walked out of the interrogation room to update Sam and Callen.

After the call was made, I turned to see Kensi staring at me.

I looked over my shoulder, then back at her.

"What?" I asked.

She narrowed her eyes but still said nothing. The silence made me nervous. It took me back to the worst part of the torture. The in-between time when I didn't know… the limbo… the unknown… the worry… the-

"Do I have something on my face?" I managed at last. The weak attempt at humor at least brought me out of my internal struggle. "That's not cool you know," I continued, comically swiping at my face. "You should have told me before we went into that interrogation."

She didn't even crack a smile.

"Deeks-"

"Don't," I said, holding up my hand. "Just… don't Kens."

And with that I walked out of the boat shed. We had to go meet Sam and Callen.

I knew. She knew that I knew. What now?


	3. And You Left

**The dreaded AN: _Hey readers! I just wanted to warn you that I've explored something... different here. I feel it's something that should happen (and we could hope to see as the episode 10 _**_**bombshell), but it's unlikely that it ever will. Anywho, I'd surely appreciate your input on where you want it to go from here. (Yes, that was a shameless plug for "I WANT REVIEWS!") It's just so much easier to write when you know people like it :) I hope you enjoy this... different take. **_

_**P.S. If possible, I'd love someone else to take the idea in this chapter (which I think is pretty obvious) and run with it. I love reading, and I'd like to see what other authors make of it! **_

_**Thanks guys, and enjoy!**_

* * *

"Noted, Mr. Deeks. Duly noted."

With Hetty's comment, the team turned to leave. I waited for my partner to ask for a ride, as he was obviously stranded. The whole walk into the parking lot, he didn't say anything, so I broke the silence.

"Need a lift, partner?" I asked lightly, gently bumping his shoulder as we walked.

He sighed.

"Rubbing it in already, Kensi?" he asked, sounding defeated. "A little early, even for you."

"I'm… sorry, Deeks," I replied, confused at his words. I stopped and grabbed his arm. He stopped, but didn't look at me. "I didn't mean-"

"Never mind, Kens," he said, shrugging out of my grip.

Sam and Callen had already left, so it was just the two of us in the parking lot.

He was walking away, just like Jack…

"Don't leave, Deeks," I whispered.

He stopped in his tracks, whole body stiff.

When he spoke, he didn't sound like my partner.

"What did you just say?" he asked. His voice was cold, hard, and just… not Deeks. It worried me even more than the motorcycle.

I knew I needed to say something here. I couldn't avoid it anymore. So I uttered the only words I could manage.

"Don't leave me."

After a long, deafening silence, he turned around. I couldn't help the gasp that escaped my mouth at his expression. He was so angry. I hadn't seen Deeks this angry since we'd rescued him from that dirty cop after that stupid LAPD operation had gone wrong and his partner had been killed. Maybe not even then…

"How," he asked slowly, "can you even _say_ that to me?"

I could tell he was working very hard to keep himself under control.

"I… I just…" I looked down, away from his angry, dark blue eyes. He'd once told me that the reason he never gets angry is because growing up, everyone said he looked like his father, and he never wanted to resemble his dad. Though I'd never seen Gordon John Brandel before, I couldn't help but think he must look an awful lot like the man standing in front of me.

"I'm sorry, Deeks," I said, looking up at him again. "I just… I couldn't take it if you… left."

I looked into his eyes, pleading for him to understand, but instead of softening at my plea, his eyes got harder.

For a long moment, we just stared at each other. It was strange, being around Deeks in silence. And for once, it was me who couldn't take the silence.

"Say something," I pleaded.

"You want me to _SAY_ something?" he shouted. He was shaking, as if this outburst was something that had been held inside for too long. "Fine! I'll _SAY_ something!"

He narrowed his eyes at me a gestured up and down.

"You stand there, pleading with me not to leave you, but _YOU LEFT ME_!"

His eyes widened, and his whole body froze, as if he hadn't known he'd even thought it.

The moment the words left his mouth, the air left my lungs. I couldn't breathe.

_How did I not see it before? All the avoided calls, the weak humor, the biting comments… _

And then, my heart was empty as I flashed back to leaving him, bleeding and tied to that chair.

"Deeks," I choked out, reaching toward him, "I'm so sor-"

"Don't," he said, holding up his hand and backing away. "Don't say 'sorry'. Just…" he sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. "I get it, okay? I'm a cop, too, so I do get it," he said. "But that doesn't… I mean, it doesn't make it hurt less."

"Look, Kens," he whispered. "I told you I wouldn't leave, okay? And I meant it. That's gonna have to be enough for right now, because Super Deeks? He's kinda… outta commission right now."

He looked down at the ground and kicked at a rock.

I opened my mouth to speak- to tell him that I didn't have a choice, that I'd gotten him out in the end- but no words would come out.

"I think I'm just… gonna head home," he said, looking away from me. "Just, tell the guys I blew it off or whatever." Then he turned and muttered under his breath, "Easy enough to believe that."

And then I watched him walk down the street, presumably toward the bus stop, seven blocks from the mission.

My head told my legs to follow him, to run after him and beg him to forgive me, but my body wouldn't comply. So I just watched him walk away, defeated, because he'd promised to never leave me, and he'd expected nothing but the same in return.

He hadn't left me. I'd left him.


	4. And I Understand

_**AN: Hey readers! Thanks for the responses! Guest reviewers, I wish I could reply to you, but I guess you'll just have to settle for this. A few of you mentioned that you were confused on what they both "knew" in chapter 2, and I'm sorry that wasn't clear. They both know about the guilt Kensi is carrying, and her (annoying to Deeks) overprotectiveness, and why she's being that way. I hope that clears it up.**_

_**I hope you enjoy this chapter, and that you leave me your thoughts. It helps me to find ideas. **_

_**Also, PLEASE LEAVE SUGGESTIONS! I like to know where YOU would like to see the story go! :)**_

_**Blessings, **_

_**bookdiva**_

* * *

"Do you want to ride with me?" I asked Eric as we walked out to the parking lot. The team had left before either of us had, because Eric had forgotten his flash drive up in OPS.

Eric opened his mouth to reply.

"You want me to _SAY_ something? Fine! I'll _SAY_ something!"

The shout startled me and caused me to jump. Eric stiffened beside me.

_"Who's that?" _he mouthed. The voice sounded unfamiliar, and yet there was something chillingly…familiar to it.

I started to shrug, but two more steps brought Deeks and Kensi into view.

"You stand there, pleading with me not to leave you, but _YOU LEFT ME_!" Deeks yelled.

His eyes widened, and he seemed to go ridged. Kensi, on the other hand, stepped back as if she'd been burned, and cowered slightly, which was completely out of character for her.

Deeks's jaw was clenched and his hands were in fists at his sides.

Eric's hand caught my shoulder, stopping me. It didn't matter, though. I felt like I couldn't move. I wasn't sure what we were witnessing between the partners, but I could tell it was big.

I'd _never_ seen Deeks - the ultimate, laid-back-surfer-jokester-prankster guy - truly angry before. Upset, sure. No one threatened Kensi without seeing a more serious side of Deeks. But still, he was _never_ the kind to lash out at the people he loved.

"Deeks," Kensi choked out, reaching toward him. I could hear the unshed tears in her voice, though I was too far away from her to see if she was actually crying. "I'm so sor-"

"Don't," Deeks cut her off, holding up his hand and backing away defensively. "Don't say 'sorry'. Just…" he sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. "I get it, okay? I'm a cop, too, so I do get it," he said. "But that doesn't… I mean, it doesn't make it hurt less."

Then his shoulders slumped, and he just looked defeated. He whispered something to Kensi that we couldn't hear, but obviously Kensi did.

He looked down at the ground and kicked at a rock, and she opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something to him.

He jerked his head away from my point of view, and said something that was too muffled for Eric or me to make out. Then he turned and walked down the street.

Kensi just stood there, watching after him, looking so lost. It was an odd sight, seeing Deeks walking away from Kensi, as it was usually the other way around. And even then, Deeks usually had a smile on his face, pleased with the progress he'd made in whatever encounter the partners had just had.

Seeing this propelled me into action.

"Kens," I called, crossing the rest of the distance to her side. She turned immediately, eyes wide and horrified.

"What- Nell! What are you d-doing here?" Kensi sputtered. Her arms wrapped around her middle, seemingly unconsciously, and I could now clearly see the tears in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Kens," I said, hoping she could see that we hadn't meant to eaves drop. "Eric and I had to run back up to OPS, and we were headed to the bar to meet with the team…"

Her shoulders dropped, and she suddenly swayed, as if she could barely stand. There was no way I could just leave her here - debrief or not - so I turned to Eric.

"Take my car to the bar and meet with the guys. Tell them Kensi and I won't be there."

"D-Deeks, too," Kensi choked out. "He wasn't- I mean, he isn't going, either."

I sent her a questioning glance, but thankfully Eric just nodded and walked away. He seemed to know that this was serious, and he trusted me.

After the day I'd had, I couldn't help the slight warm feeling it brought me, but I was careful not to let it show. Right now, Kensi needed me.

"Come on, Kensi," I said, grabbing her keys and steering her toward her car. It was a testament to how shaken she was that she allowed me to take her keys and take control. I pushed her toward the passenger's door and got in the driver's seat. "Let's get you home."

"No!" Kensi said, panicked. Then she looked down, embarrassed. "Um- I mean, uh…."

"It's ok, Kensi," I cut off her embarrassed ramblings. "My place it is. Good thing I decided to stock up on ice cream last weekend," I added with a smile. "We can scoop up some, and you can tell me what that was about."

Her grateful smile froze.

"Or not," I sighed. "It's up to you, but it might help for you to talk about it."

She just nodded and looked out the window. I took that as her need for silence, and let the matter drop. It was silent for quite some time, and we were almost to my house when Kensi whispered,

"Thanks, Nell."

* * *

When we had dished up our ice cream, we sat on my couch. I took a bite and watched as Kensi poked at the ice cream with her spoon, not digging in to it as she normally would.

I sighed.

"Kens," I started, and she looked up at me. "What _was_ that?"

I didn't have to say anything else. I could see the comprehension in her eyes. She knew I was referring to what had happened in the parking lot at the OSP mission building.

I knew she didn't want to talk about it, and I respected that - really, I did - but that Deeks I'd seen back in the parking lot… Well, he'd scared me. Not physically. I knew that no matter what, Deeks would never hurt Kensi, or me, or anyone other than the bad guys.

But still.

I could see the war raging inside her. On one hand, she was unused to letting her feelings out, but on the other hand, I could see that she was already past her breaking point.

"I left him," she whispered brokenly. It startled me.

It was an echo of the loud words Deeks had hurled at her in the parking lot, and it still confused me.

"When?" I asked. Her eyes flashed at me, and I had to guess. "In the- the warehouse?"

And it was like something snapped in Kensi.

"Yes, in the warehouse!" she yelled, pushing away her ice cream and standing up. "The warehouse, and the hospital, and before all of that, after he kissed me on that hill! I JUST LEFT HIM!"

I choked on my ice cream at her words, and looked up at her pacing around my small living room.

I didn't have time to comment, as it seemed like a dam had burst in Kensi, and she couldn't stop.

"I _LEFT_ him there, after he finally communicated. Like I'd been nagging him to do for _weeks_!" she exclaimed, her voice full of self-loathing. "Then he had to go and get himself captured! Helping Sam! Like he thought nothing of the fact that-" she stopped and her hands came up to her eyes, as if she'd just realized something.

"God," she continued. "He actually thought-"

And then I saw the number one thing on my 'list-of-things-that-would-never-happen' happen. Kensi Blye broke down and cried quietly in the chair across from me.


	5. And It's Out

_**AN: Hey readers! I'm sure this is getting annoying, so I aware this is the last one. I was disappointed with the lack of reviews. I really like to hear feedback, and also, this is the story I'm the most proud of. I'm so glad I finally got it out on paper! NCIS: LA is my favorite show, and this is my first story for it!**_

_**That said, my goal is to get 100 reviews! Think I can do it? **_

_**Do you even want more? Let me know! :)**_

_**Blessings, **_

_**bookdiva**_

* * *

"Do you want to ride with me?" Nell asked, looking up at me as we walked out to the parking lot. The team had left before either of us had, because I'd forgotten my flash drive up in OPS. I was glad for the offer, as I'd taken my car in during lunch, and the repairs had taken longer than expected. I was about to say as much, when a loud voice interrupted me.

"You want me to _SAY_ something? Fine! I'll _SAY_ something!"

The shout visibly startled Nell beside me, and caused her to jump. I couldn't help the slight tension that suddenly filled my body, but after the day we'd just survived, who could blame me?

_"Who's that?" _he mouthed to Nell. The voice sounded unfamiliar, and yet there was something chillingly…familiar to it too. It almost sounded like...

I shifted my gaze away from Nell in time to see Kensi and Deeks standing in the parking lot, and Deeks was clearly upset.

"You stand there, pleading with me not to leave you, but _YOU LEFT ME_!" Deeks yelled.

We were close enough that I could tell his eyes widened, and he seemed to go ridged, as though the uncharacteristic outburst had scared him. Kensi, on the other hand, stepped back as if she'd been burned, and cowered slightly, which was completely out of character for her.

Deeks's jaw was clenched and his hands were in fists at his sides. I'd never seen him like this. Deeks had always been the kind of guy to offer up and easy smile and a bad joke in even the tensest of moments.

My hand reached out to Nell's shoulder, stopping her from moving toward the partners. I'd noticed something off in their banter since Deeks had been back, and while what was going on didn't look good by any means, maybe it was good for them.

Ultimately, I wasn't worried, because Deeks could _never_ be the kind to lash out at the people he loved. No matter what the circumstances. After the little any of us knew about his past, there was just no possibility. I allowed that fact to comfort me as I listened to Kensi's reply.

"Deeks," Kensi choked out, reaching toward him. I could hear the unshed tears in her voice, though I was too far away and at too sharp an angle from her to see if she was actually crying. "I'm so sor-"

"Don't," Deeks cut her off, holding up his hand and backing away defensively. "Don't say 'sorry'. Just…" he sighed, and ran a hand through his hair in a gesture I knew well. "I get it, okay? I'm a cop, too, so I do get it," he said. "But that doesn't… I mean, it doesn't make it hurt less."

Then his shoulders slumped, and he just looked defeated. He whispered something to Kensi that we couldn't hear, but obviously Kensi did.

And damn if my heart didn't just ache for him at that moment. Though we'd never talked about it, I wasn't blind. I could see that his 'thing' with Kensi had been… heating up. He'd stopped picking up girls when we went surfing, and had brushed off any women who'd approached him, not even bothering to flirt. Though, come to think of it, we hadn't been out since his… torture.

Deeks looked down at the ground and kicked at a rock, and Kensi opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something to him.

He jerked his head away from my point of view, and said something that was too muffled for either Nell or me to make out. We both shared a confused glance. Then Deeks turned and walked down the street.

Kensi just stood there, watching after him, looking so lost. It was an odd sight, seeing Deeks walking away from Kensi, as it was usually the other way around. And even then, Deeks usually had a smile on his face, pleased with the progress he'd made in whatever encounter the partners had just had.

Part of me wondered if I should go after Deeks or give him space. Before I could decide, Nell started across the parking lot to Kensi.

"Kens," she called, crossing the rest of the distance to her side, and I followed behind her quietly, knowing my presence wouldn't really be needed or helpful. Kensi turned immediately, eyes wide and horrified.

"What- Nell! What are you d-doing here?" Kensi sputtered. Her arms wrapped around her middle, seemingly unconsciously, and I could now clearly see the tears in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Kens," Nell said, and realization flashed in Kensi's eyes. She knew we'd overheard their conversation. "Eric and I had to run back up to OPS, and we were headed to the bar to meet with the team…"

Kensi's shoulders dropped, and she suddenly swayed, as if she could barely stand. I'd always thought of Kensi as one-of-the-guys, tough, indestructible. But seeing her about to fall apart in the parking lot, it opened my eyes.

"Take my car to the bar and meet with the guys. Tell them Kensi and I won't be there."

"D-Deeks, too," Kensi choked out.

I just nodded and walked away, knowing that this was serious. Besides, I trusted Nell to take care of Kensi. She'd know what to do.

So I did the only thing to do at that point. I took the keys from Nell, got into her car, and drove off.

* * *

_Ok,_ I told myself as I sat in Nell's car outside the bar. _You can do this. _

I already had a missed call from Callen, and it wouldn't be long before G and Sam started to think something had gone wrong. After all, the others should have shown twenty minutes ago.

I sighed.

Why was it that I was always the one who had to break hard news to Sam and Callen?

_Now or never, I guess… _

With a distinct feeling of unease, I exited the car and walked into the slightly crowded bar. It was a testament to their worry that both Sam and Callen spotted me immediately and waved me over.

"Where are the others?" Callen asked in place of greeting. It didn't surprise me.

"They're, um, not coming," I stuttered. Then I shook my head. I hadn't done anything wrong, so there was no reason for me to feel uncomfortable.

"There was an… uh, incident, and Nell took Kensi home. Deeks was… also unable to attend for, uh, personal reasons," I stated more confidently.

Understanding immediately crossed Sam's face, but Callen still looked confused.

"What happened, Eric?" Sam asked quietly. I sighed, wondering how much to tell them. Since Nell and I had witnessed at least the ending of whatever had gone down, I figured Sam and Callen may as well know that much.

"Deeks and Kensi had a… blow out in the parking lot of the mission," I said after a long pause. Both agents looked shocked. "I think Deeks finally realized something he's been holding on to for a long time, and he couldn't stop it from finally coming out."

Sam's eyes widened.

"What did he say, _exactly_, Eric?" Sam asked, worry etched all over his face. "It's important. Go through it from the beginning."

"Well," I said, taking a moment to compose my thoughts, "Nell and I had to run back up to OPS to get some equipment before calling it a night. We were talking when we interrupted… whatever we interrupted in the parking lot."

I closed my eyes as I again saw Deeks's face. He'd just been…

"Deeks said, 'You want me to SAY something? Fine, I'll Say something.' And dang it, Sam," I said, looking up at the SEAL, "I've never seen him so angry. If it wasn't Deeks, I would have been worried he'd…" I trailed off, unable to finish the thought.

Sam just nodded, and I could see he understood. It was what I needed to continue with the story.

"Then he said, 'You stand there, pleading with me not to leave you, but _YOU LEFT ME_!'"

Again, both men looked too stunned for words.

"Look, I could tell his outburst surprised even himself," I said, feeling defensive of Deeks. While I knew he'd hurt Kensi, I couldn't help but be glad that Deeks had actually expressed some sort of real emotion."He interrupted her apology, telling her not to say it, because he understood. I'm really not sure what else he said. We were too far away to hear, and then he left."

I glanced up at the guys to see them both lost in thought. However, while Callen's gaze was only slightly less cool and calculating that usual, Sam's gaze was full of regret. Regret I didn't disagree with at all.

"Have you… talked to Deeks lately?" I asked Sam.

He sighed, looking down at the table as if it was suddenly very interesting. I took that as my answer.

"You know, it's going to take more than some motor dentures and a little laughter to fix this, right?" I asked. Then I added, "I know you were trying to loosen up, but I think he might just need a little 'Serious Sam' right now."

I just held my breath and hopped my insights didn't get me killed. To my surprise, Sam just looked up at me.

"You're right," he said sincerely.

Under any other circumstances, I would have jokingly asked him to say it again, so I could record it and play it as my ringtone. It wasn't often that Agent Hanna admitted I'd done anything right.

"So, what are you going to do?" I asked.

Sam's response was immediate.

"Fix it."


	6. And I'll Fix It

**AN: Thank you for all your feedback! One request: Do you want to see Deeks and Sam talk next, or check in with Kensi and Nell? Let me know!**

* * *

_The others should be here by now, _I couldn't help but worry. While I knew all of them - with the possible exception of Eric - could handle themselves, their tardiness still set me on edge. After the past few months, it was worry instead of irritation that was bothering me.

"Sam?" Callen's voice startled me slightly.

_Get over it, sailor, _I told myself.

"Just worried about everyone," I admitted out loud. "They should be here by now…"

Callen didn't say anything. He just joined me in looking at the door. I looked down at my phone.

_Ten minutes. If they're not here in ten minutes, we'll go looking._

It was in that moment that Eric walked through the door, looking more nervous than usual. I exchanged an uneasy look with G and saw that he'd noticed as well.

"Where are the others?" Callen asked in place of greeting, effectively voicing my own thoughts.

"They're, um, not coming," Eric stuttered, then shook his head.

_Not coming? What?!_

"There was an… uh, incident, and Nell took Kensi home. Deeks was… also unable to attend for, uh, personal reasons," he stated with more confidence. I immediately understood the underlying message in his words.

_Deeks. _

I could tell Callen was still confused.

"What happened, Eric?" I asked quietly. Eric sighed, and I saw an internal battle playing out across his face, as if he was wondering how much to tell us. I tried to convey how worried I was. I needed to know everything.

"Deeks and Kensi had a… blow out in the parking lot of the mission," he said after a long pause. I was shocked. "I think Deeks finally realized something he's been holding on to for a long time, and he couldn't stop it from finally coming out."

I felt my eyes visibly widen at this. I'd been prepared for a lot of things, but not Deeks exploding at Kensi. It was worse than I could have imagined.

"What did he say, _exactly_, Eric?" I asked, knowing my worry was etched all over my face. "It's important. Go through it from the beginning."

"Well," Eric said, taking a moment to compose his seemingly jumbled thoughts, "Nell and I had to run back up to OPS to get some equipment before calling it a night. We were talking when we interrupted… whatever we interrupted in the parking lot."

He closed his eyes, as if he was back in the parking lot.

_What did you see? _

"Deeks said, 'You want me to SAY something? Fine, I'll Say something.' And dang it, Sam," I said, looking up at the SEAL, "I've never seen him so angry. If it wasn't Deeks, I would have been worried he'd…" I trailed off, unable to finish the thought.

I just nodded, because really, what was there to say? They could both deny it, but Deeks and Kensi were… a thing. And so there had to be some intense emotions running through the detective, because I had felt those same things.

"Then he said, 'You stand there, pleading with me not to leave you, but _YOU LEFT ME_!'"

_Oh Deeks,_ I thought in agony. But that's what he thought. We all left him, or in my case, didn't think he was worth… anything.

"Look, I could tell his outburst surprised even himself," Eric said, defending Deeks.

He didn't have to defend Deeks to me. I'd promised myself I would never question Deeks again, no matter what. I wasn't about to break that promise now.

"He interrupted her apology, telling her not to say it, because he understood," Eric continued. "I'm really not sure what else he said. We were too far away to hear, and then he left."

Eric finally glanced up and looked at us. I couldn't help but feel ashamed. The weight of regret… the pain Deeks had been through for me, and the harsh words I'd spoken to him… it would stay with me. Always.

"Have you… talked to Deeks lately?" Eric asked, looking directly at me.

I sighed, looking down at the table as if iI couldn't make myself look at either Eric or G. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to Deeks. It was that I didn't know how or what to say.

"You know, it's going to take more than some motor dentures and a little laughter to fix this, right?" Eric asked, his voice sharp. I winced.

Then he added a little softer, "I know you were trying to loosen up, but I think he might just need a little 'Serious Sam' right now."

_Deeks needs me_, I realized. Resolve tightened my backbone. I_ won't let you down, Deeks. _

I looked up at Eric and met his gaze with more confidence than I'd felt in a long time.

"You're right," I said sincerely.

His eyes became huge in surprise, and I would have found that amusing under different circumstances. After all, it wasn't often that Agent Hanna admitted that Eric Beale done anything right.

"So, what are you going to do?" Eric asked.

My response was immediate - I didn't even have to think about it.

"Fix it." I said. Turning to G, I said, "Can Eric give you a ride home? I think I need to go find Deeks."

"Yeah," G said, surprising me. "Find him and," he continued, hesitating slightly, "just make sure he's… ok."

"I will."

Then, without a backward glance, I walked out of the bar, got in my challenger, and drove all the way across LA to Deeks's house.

* * *

By the time I arrived at Deeks's door, the sun was hovering just above the horizon. It would be dark in an hour or two.

I knocked on the door softly at first, then harder when there was no response.

"Deeks, I know you're in there," I called.

No response.

"If you don't open the door, I'll kick it in. You know I will."

Still no response.

I sighed. Ok, so I wouldn't kick in his door. I reached into my back pocket and pulled out my lock picking tool. I hated picking locks; it made me feel like a common criminal.

I slipped my tool into Deeks's lock, and picked the lock with ease. Too much ease. I felt another security lecture looming in the future, but knew now was most definitely not the time.

As the door slid open, I was shocked at what I'd saw. In the three and a half years Deeks had been with the team, I'd only seen his place once. But from that one time, and from Kensi's complaints when they went undercover, I knew Deeks had a mild form of OCD.

Seeing his apartment, you'd never know. I was shocked to see take out cartons, still half full, clothes thrown all over the place, and no sign of Monty.

I sighed.

_It's worse than I thought. _

Deeks has always been good at hiding himself away - it's what made me misjudge him in the first place - but I still couldn't believe I hadn't seen it. I'm a Navy SEAL. I'm supposed to be good at reading people.

I looked around, and suddenly realized I had to find Deeks. Now.

Reaching for my cell, I dialed Eric.

"Yellow?" he answered on the first ring.

"Eric, I need you to trace Deeks's cell phone. Can you do that remotely?"

"He's not at home?" Eric asked.

"No."

"Ok. Just give me a second. I'll text the coordinates to your phone."

"Thanks."

Then just like that, the line was dead.

I looked around at the sad apartment that was like a cry for help from its owner. Whatever it took to get Deeks through this, I'd do it. Because, really, I owed him everything.

I shut my eyes against the sudden sting of on-coming tears. I couldn't afford to break down right now.

My phone beeped, providing the distraction I desperately needed.

It was Eric.

I smiled as I exited Deeks's building and got in the Challenger.

_Whatever it takes_, I vowed again, _I'll fix it. _


	7. And For Now

**AN: Hey guys! This just came out, so I guess you're getting Sam and Deeks first! This one got a little longer, so I had to break it up to do it right. Next Kensi and Nell or Sam and Deeks again? Let me know! **

**Anywho, I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

"Need a lift, partner?" Kensi asked lightly, gently bumping my shoulder as we walked.

I sighed. I knew she was trying, in her own way, to make light of the situation, but just like with all the torture jokes, it was just too soon.

"Rubbing it in already, Kensi?" I asked, trying and failing to sound light hearted. "A little early, even for you."

"I'm… sorry, Deeks," she replied. Her confused eyes tore at my already torn up heart. She stopped and grabbed my arm. I looked down at the ground, unable to be so close to her without thinking about the kiss…

"I didn't mean-"

"Never mind, Kens," I said, shrugging out of her grip and starting away.

Sam and Callen had already left, so it was just the two of us in the parking lot. And I needed to be as far away from her as possible. As soon as possible. The debriefing was beginning to sound like torture. And I think I have the experience to make that comparison.

"Don't leave, Deeks," she whispered behind me.

Those words…. I couldn't believe it. She wasn't really saying that to me. Right?

"What did you just say?" It was really hard to push the words out around the lump in my throat. I couldn't move as I awaited her answer.

It seemed like hours, as if time froze, until I heard her voice, uncharacteristically soft.

"Don't leave me."

The silence that followed that statement was anything but quiet for me. I saw red, and my vision became slightly blurred as I focused in on her words. Sharp pain poked at my 'emotional center'

_How can she do this to me?_

I turned slowly to meet her eyes and somewhere in the back of my mind I cringed at the way she backed away from me. I instinctively knew it would bother me later, when I could think rationally again.

"How," I asked slowly, using all my energy to keep my anger under control, "can you even _say_ that to me?"

"I… I just…" she stuttered immediately, looking down, as if she couldn't even bear to look at me.

"I'm sorry, Deeks," she said, finally looking back at me. I hated those words. _Sorry. _Like that just fixed it. "I just… I couldn't take it if you… left."

I could feel the rage building up in me, and for the first time in my life, I wondered if this was what my father felt, before he beat my mom or me. Everything was blurry but Kensi. She was the only thing I could see now, just like she'd been the only thing I could see back… there. But this time, it wasn't helpful. Or, at least, it didn't seem like it was helpful.

"Say something," she pleaded in a small voice. Something in her mismatched eyes made me snap.

"You want me to _SAY_ something? Fine! I'll _SAY_ something! You stand there, pleading with me not to leave you, but _YOU LEFT ME_!"

It was my voice. I was saying it. I knew that. I could feel the words leaving my throat. But even I didn't know I'd felt that way. Seeing Kensi's eyes widen in fright caused everything to come back into focus.

_This isn't me. This isn't who I am. I am NOT him. _

I didn't have to see the look on Kensi's face to know I'd hurt her. And that was unacceptable. I needed to get away before I hurt her more.

"Deeks," she choked out, reaching toward me before I could get any words out, "I'm so sor-"

"Don't," I said. I couldn't take it if she apologized. I didn't want to snap again. "Don't say 'sorry'. Just…" I sighed, and shifted shakily.

_How can I make her understand when I don't even understand?_

"I get it, okay? I'm a cop, too, so I do get it," he said. "But that doesn't… I mean, it doesn't make it hurt less."

_Because I wouldn't have left you. _The words are unspoken, but we both hear them.

"Look, Kens," I whispered, trying desperately to patch whatever was broken between us, "I told you I wouldn't leave, okay? And I meant it. That's gonna have to be enough for right now, because Super Deeks? He's kinda… outta commission right now."

I looked away from her, desperate for an escape.

"I think I'm just… gonna head home," I said, still unable to meet her wounded gaze. "Just, tell the guys I blew it off or whatever." I turned and walked away toward my escape. "Easy enough to believe that," I whispered to myself.

And it was true, wasn't it? Sam's words had confirmed what I'd should have always known.

_And I called myself a detective._

* * *

I didn't even know where I was going until I got there. I'd just gotten on the bus and rode. It wasn't until I felt the sand on my bare feet that I knew I'd intended to end up at the beach.

The ocean always calmed me. It was the one constant in my life, as cliche as that sounded.

I don't know how long I sat there, but before I knew it, the sun was touching the water. It would be dark soon, and I wasn't even sure when the next bus came by. Besides, I really didn't need to be out after dark. I'd been doing really well with the whole PTSD thing, despite Kensi's recent smothering, but I didn't want to tempt fate.

I stood, brushing the sand off my pants when someone cleared their throat behind me.

I didn't jump. I wasn't even startled.

"Sam," I said, without turning around. I'd know that sound anywhere, though it was about the last thing I needed to hear tonight.

He was probably here to lecture me for skipping the debriefing. And I couldn't find it in myself to blame him…or to care…or to feel anything at the moment.

"Look," I said, turning but not really looking at him. "I'm sorry I didn't show. I know it breaks every law in the book, and it won't happen again."

When I finally looked at Sam, his expression was unreadable.

"Right," I said, trying to muster up some of the famous Marty-Deeks-Humor. "I'm wrong, you're right. Glad we had this talk."

It fell flat, even to my own ears.

I moved to walk past him, but he grabbed my arm.

"Deeks-" he started, but I couldn't stand his tone.

"Please," I whispered. "I just- I'm sorry, okay?"

"No," he said fiercely. "I'm sorry."

I looked up startled, confused at his tone.

"Why?"

His expression shifted from his usual, stone-cold-NavySEAL-I-can-snap-your-neck-with-my-p inky mask. I saw regret and pain and remorse in his eyes, and I knew. We were going back to that.

I chocked out a chuckle.

"Dude," I rasped wearily, "I thought we got this all out in the hospital. You're good. I'm good." I winced at the deja vu those words caused. "Nothing to be sorry for."

This couldn't be happening right now. I didn't have enough humor to hide behind, and I couldn't go back to that angry place again. Not after what it had done to me… to Kensi.

"Yes there is," Sam interrupted. "I owe you everything, Deeks. And that's why I'm here. I have my family because of you, and I'm not going to let you throw away your family."

I could feel the surprise work its way across my face, but I was too damn tired to hide it.

"We've messed up a lot," Sam continued. "I messed up. I'm not going to give you a bull shit excuse," Sam sighed. "As much as I hate to admit it, you're too smart for that."

I couldn't help the grateful smirk that crossed my face. I knew that was Sam's way of lightening the mood, just a little.

"It was bad timing, Deeks," Sam continued. "I know I'm a SEAL, and I play it tough, but losing Dom…" he trailed off. There was along pause, and just when I thought Sam wasn't going to continue, he trudged on. "I know I talk like I'm used to it, but I've never been good at… losing friends in war."

It was a rare, raw confession from Sam.

"I'm sorry that I took it out on you, Deeks. It's no excuse, but I hope…" Sam paused, holding my gaze, "I just hope you understand."

And the thing is, I really did. But I couldn't get the words out, so I just nodded. It was enough for Sam, though, and he let out a small, relieved smile.

It was tense and awkward for a moment until Sam spoke again.

"Come with me?" he asked.

"Where?"

"I would say 'trust me', but it's probably still too soon for that," Sam said with a cautious smile.

I allowed a small, relieved grin, grateful for his attempt at humor.

"Nah," I said with a smile. "Maybe not."

With that, we both started away from the ocean. It wasn't fixed, not completely at least, but it was certainly a step in the right direction. It was a step back to our dysfunctional, messed up family.

For now, that was enough.

**AN: I hope you enjoyed it, and please leave a review on your way out!**


	8. And Right Now

**AN: Hey readers! Thank you for all the ideas! I hope you all enjoy this next part. We're picking back up on Kensi's POV. **

* * *

**Remember where we left Kensi…**

_"I think I'm just… gonna head home," he said, looking away from me. "Just, tell the guys I blew it off or whatever." Then he turned and muttered under his breath, "Easy enough to believe that."_

_And then I watched him walk down the street, presumably toward the bus stop, seven blocks from the mission. _

_My head told my legs to follow him, to run after him and beg him to forgive me, but my body wouldn't comply. So I just watched him walk away, defeated, because he'd promised to never leave me, and he'd expected nothing but the same in return. _

_He hadn't left me. I'd left him…_

* * *

"Kens." Nell's voice startled me.

"What- Nell! What are you d-doing here?" I chocked out around the lump in my throat. Gravity suddenly felt ten times stronger, and it was a struggle to stand. I fought it as hard as I could.

"I'm sorry, Kens," she said, looking at me meaningfully. I understood. She'd heard. "Eric and I had to run back up to OPS, and we were headed to the bar to meet with the team…"

I understood, really, I did.

Suddenly, gravity became too much for me, and I couldn't stop the tiny sway my body made as the world began to spin.

_I left him. I left him. I left him._

"Take my car to the bar and meet with the guys. Tell them Kensi and I won't be there."

"D-Deeks, too," I said, taking a deep breath to remain steady.

_I left him. I left him. I left him._

She sent me a questioning glance, but Eric just nodded and walked away.

"Come on, Kensi," Nell said, grabbing my keys and steering me toward her car. I hardly noticed any of it.

_I left him. I left him. I left him._

"Let's get you home."

"No!" I said, panicked. "Um- I mean, uh…."

I didn't know how to tell her that I couldn't face my house. I couldn't stand the memories of all the times Deeks had been there for me. I couldn't….

"It's ok, Kensi," Nell cut in, her voice full of understanding. "My place it is. Good thing I decided to stock up on ice cream last weekend,"

I managed a small, grateful smile at her thoughtfulness.

"We can scoop up some, and you can tell me what that was about."

My grateful smile froze.

"Or not," she sighed. "It's up to you, but it might help for you to talk about it."

I may or may not have nodded. I wasn't really sure. All I could see was the pain in Deeks's eyes. When I'd left him in the chair, when I left him alone in the hospital, when I'd been a coward in the bull pen later that night….

All I saw was so much pain.

_I left him. I left him. I left him._

But here was Nell, offering me a chance to open up.

_Why can't I take it?_

"Thanks, Nell," I whispered, not daring to look at her. I wasn't sure if she heard me.

_I left him. I left him. I left him._

* * *

When Nell had dished up our ice cream, we sat on her couch. I poked at the ice cream with my spoon, but it just didn't appeal to me. All I could think about was the times Deeks had shown up with ice cream and beer… Christmas….

_I left him. I left him. I left him._

Nell sighed.

"Kens," she started, and I made myself look up at her. "What _was_ that?"

She didn't have to say anything else. I knew what she was referring to. She and Eric had undoubtedly heard what Deeks had said, and she was inevitably wondering what the hell it all meant.

_I left him. I left him. I left him._

I really didn't want to talk about it, but maybe talking about it would help me come up with a way to fix it, because I had to. Because if Deeks broke, what was the point anymore?

When I met him, he drove me crazy. He still drove me crazy, albeit in a _very_ different way. The job I'd lived for since Jack had left had suddenly become Deeks. It was banter and sexual tension and jealousy and protective partners and… love. It was a love story. It's _our_ love story.

_I left him. I left him. I left him._

"I left him," I whispered brokenly. I heard my voice speak the words that had been haunting me, and it startled me.

It was an echo of the loud words Deeks had said to me in the parking lot, and hearing myself say it out loud suddenly made it all real.

"When?" she asked. I looked up at Nell, strengthened by my new revelation. "In the- the warehouse?"

And then the floodgates shattered.

"Yes, in the warehouse!" I yelled at Nell, pushing away the ice cream and standing up. Nell looked slightly frightened, and I knew it wasn't her fault, but I couldn't stop. "The warehouse, and the hospital, and before all of that, after he kissed me on that hill! I JUST LEFT HIM!"

I blocked out Nell's surprise at my confession, and began to pace, my mind running a million miles an hour.

"I _LEFT_ him there, after he _finally_ communicated. Like I'd been nagging him to do for _weeks_!" I exclaimed. "Then he had to go and get himself captured! Helping Sam! Like he thought nothing of the fact that-" I stopped and I covered my eyes to stop the tears.

"God, he actually thought-"

And then I couldn't hold the tears back anymore. I was past the point of pride - Bad Ass Blye was on vacation in an undetermined location - and I broke.

Deeks thought I wouldn't care. He showed me how he felt, and he thought I'd answered back…

"Damnit, he _promised_." I whispered, ignoring the reasons he would have thought that promise was null and void. "Nell," I said, looking up at her, "I have to go."

And then I rushed out the door without a backward glance. I heard Nell run after me, but I was quicker.

Nell may have proven she could keep up in the field, but Bad Ass Blye was back from wherever the hell she'd been, and she was on a mission.

_Fix it._

* * *

Before I really processed anything, I was running up the stairs to Deeks's apartment. I didn't notice the man following me until I was at my partner's door.

I raised my hand to knock when he called out behind me, "Kensi?"

I spun around, fist still poised to knock.

"Sam?"

He nodded and cocked his head to the side.

"What are you doing here?" he asked. "I thought you went home with Nell."

He looked truly concerned, like I was going to break any second. It was a look he had never given me before.

Suddenly I saw myself from his point of view: red, wild eyes, crazy assassin stance, tense shoulders.

I made a conscious effort to relax myself.

"What are you doing here?"

_Really? Answering questions with questions? _My conscious asked, sounding too much like Deeks. _Really?_

"I came to make things right with Deeks," Sam responded, looking down at the ground.

"Why?" I demanded. "You didn't do anything wrong." _I did. _

"Well, uh," Sam said, still not looking me in the eyes. "That's not exactly true."

"What do you mean?"

"I, uh, said some things to him. Things I really regret, Kensi," he said, seeing the look in my eyes. "I just want to let him know that I realized I was wrong."

For a moment, rage blocked my vision. So many things were fighting to come out that I was temporarily unable to speak.

I wanted to know what Sam had said to my partner, why I hadn't' known about it, and why it was important now. I wanted to yell and scream and beat Sam.

Then my vision cleared.

"So," I said, looking at him. "You're here because you said something you _shouldn't_ have said."

It wasn't a question, but he nodded anyway.

"Well I'm here because I didn't say something I _should_ have said."

Understanding flashed in his eyes.

"He's not here," he said softly.

Immediately, I was back in that place.

_"You need to get back immediately, Miss Blye," Hetty's voice came in through the static in my coms. " has been compromised. We've lost contact with him and Detective Deeks."_

_"Deeks?"_

_"Get back, Miss Blye. We will regroup in OPS."_

"Kensi?!" Sam's voice brought me back.

"Where is he, Sam?"

"Eric tracked his cell to a beach, not far from here," he said. "I was just headed there, but it you need to-"

"No," I cut him off sharply. Suddenly, I still wasn't ready.

_I left him. I left him. I left him._

What could I possibly say to make that better?

"No," I repeated softer. "You need to fix whatever happened. With him." I narrowed my eyes. "Because when I find out whatever it was you said, you'll need to fix it with me, too."

Sam just nodded. He didn't look surprised.

"And…" I paused, unsure of how to say it. "I'll wait here."

I turned away, pulled out to key Deeks had given me after the Peter Claremont thing.

"And Sam?" I said, turning back to look at Sam. He was eyeing my key with surprise, but he looked up when I spoke. "Bring him back to me."

And without a backward glance, I walked into Deeks's apartment. It looked the same as the last time I'd been there. The memory was a balm on my heart.

_I may as well do some cleaning while I wait, _I thought, looking at my partner's disheveled living room. _It's the one thing I can fix right now._

**To Be Continued...**

**Thank you for reading! Please leave a review for me on your way out! **


	9. And You're Home

**AN: Thank you for all the responses! I'm totally overwhelmed! I'm really hoping to get over 100, and it's starting to look possible! Yay! **

**Also, I'm FREAKING OUT over 5x09 promo! Anyone else?! **

I was just about to drive off when I saw a familiar figure exit a familiar car.

_What's Kensi doing here?_

I got out and followed her up to Deeks's door.

"Kensi?" I called cautiously.

She spun around, fist still poised to knock, eyes wild. Her feet were shoulder width apart, and she looked like a woman ready for an emotional battle.

"Sam?"

I just nodded.

"What are you doing here?" I asked. "I thought you went home with Nell."

She tensed up even more for a moment, and then she seemed to purposefully relax herself.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, avoiding my question.

"I came to make things right with Deeks," I responded, looking down at the ground. I wasn't sure how much Kensi knew, and I had a feeling that she was going to be harder on me than Deeks.

"Why?" she demanded. "You didn't do anything wrong."

_But I did,_ I thought.

It was clear that she didn't know that, and she needed to know.

"Well, uh," I said, still not able to look her in the eyes. "That's not exactly true."

"What do you mean?"

"I, uh, said some things to him. Things I really regret, Kensi," I said. She immediately narrowed her eyes at me. I quickly took a step back. "I just want to let him know that I realized I was wrong."

For a moment, I was actually scared. I wouldn't defend myself against Kensi if she decided to come at me. I deserved it, and worse, but it wouldn't really help right now.

"So," she said, looking at me. "You're here because you said something you _shouldn't_ have said."

It wasn't a question, but I nodded anyway.

"Well I'm here because I didn't say something I _should_ have said."

I understood, really I did. So their thing was…? Okay, so I'd never understand their _thing._

"He's not here," I said softly.

Immediately, panic flashed in her eyes, and I knew she was reliving the nightmare.

"Kensi?" I whispered. She didn't respond. "Kensi?!"

"Where is he, Sam?" she asked, snapping out of her trance, her eyes wide with worry.

"Eric tracked his cell to a beach, not far from here," I said. "I was just headed there, but it you need to-"

"No," she cut me off sharply. I looked at her, confused.

"No," she repeated softly before I could say anything. "You need to fix whatever happened. _With him_." She narrowed her eyes at me again. "Because when I find out whatever it was you said, you'll need to fix it with me, too."

I just nodded, unsurprised. I had a feeling that fixing it with _Kensi_ would be the real challenge.

"And…" she paused, as if she was unsure of what she actually wanted to say. "I'll wait here."

She turned to Deeks's door, pulled out a key, and unlocked the door. I couldn't help my surprise at the familiarity with which she slid the key in and opened the door.

"And Sam?" she said, turning back to look at me. Her voice dropped to a whisper. "Bring him back to me."

And without a backward glance, she walked into Deeks's apartment.

_I'll fix it, Kens,_ I vowed. _I'll bring him back to you._

* * *

It only took a few minutes to get to the location Eric had sent me. It was practically deserted, so it wasn't hard to find Deeks, sitting alone by the waves.

For a moment, I just watched him. He looked so tired and defeated. My heart was heavy with guilt. Slowly, making sure to make plenty of noise, I approached him.

"Sam," Deeks said, without turning around.

Suddenly I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to fix this, and I felt like a fool for thinking I could.

"Look," Deeks said, breaking the tense silence with a ghost of his usual chatter. "I'm sorry I didn't show. I know it breaks every law in the book, and it won't happen again."

I tried to find the right words, but they wouldn't come. He misinterpreted my silence.

"Right," he said, obviously trying to muster up some of the famous Marty-Deeks-Humor. "_I'm_ wrong, _you're_ right. Glad we had this talk."

It fell flat. He moved to walk past me, but I grabbed his arm. I couldn't just let him walk away. Besides, Kensi would kill me if I didn't fix this tonight.

"Deeks-" I started, but I still didn't know what to say.

"Please," he whispered. "I just- I'm _sorry_, okay?"

"No," I said fiercely, the words suddenly there. "_I'm sorry_."

He looked up at me, startled and confused.

"Why?"

_Why. He asks me why. _

I couldn't help the regret I felt. I'd truly wronged Deeks, and yet he didn't hold it against me. At least, not right now.

_He didn't let me down, even after I gave him every reason to. How could I have been so blind? How did I miss it?_

My self-recrimination was interrupted by Deeks's choked, humorless chuckle.

"Dude," he rasped wearily, "I thought we got this all out in the hospital. You're good. I'm good." I winced at the memory. I hadn't said all that needed to be said, not by a long shot. "Nothing to be sorry for."

"_Yes there is_," I insisted. "I owe you _everything_, Deeks. And that's why I'm here. I have my family because of you, and I'm not going to let you throw away your family."

I could see the surprise on his face, but I couldn't stop. Not when Kensi was counting on me to make things right.

"We've messed up a lot," I forged on. "_I_ messed up. I'm not going to give you a bull shit excuse," I sighed. "As much as I hate to admit it, you're too smart for that."

He smirked, and I could tell he was grateful for my attempt - however poor - at humor.

"It was bad timing, Deeks," I continued. "I know I'm a SEAL, and I play it tough, but losing Dom…" I trailed off and tried to think of how to put my thoughts into words. "I know I talk like I'm used to it, but I've never been good at… losing friends in war."

It was the truth, but it still didn't feel like enough.

"I'm sorry that I took it out on you, Deeks. It's no excuse, but I hope…" I paused, holding my gaze, "I just hope you understand."

He just nodded, but it was enough for now. I let out a small, relieved smile.

It was tense and awkward for a moment until I spoke again.

"Come with me?" I asked.

"Where?" Deeks asked, looking at me warily.

"I would say 'trust me', but it's probably still too soon for that," I said with a cautious smile.

He smiled, and I realized it was the first real smile I'd seen from him in a long time.

"Nah," he said, surprising me. "Maybe not."

* * *

A few minutes later, we were sitting outside Deeks's apartment. It was dark, but the street light was enough to see the confusion on Deeks's face.

"You brought me… to my apartment?"

"No, Deeks," I said shaking my head. "I brought you _home_."

His brow furrowed. "I don't understand."

"Look," I sighed. "What I said was the truth, Deeks. It was bad timing. But," I added before he could interrupt, "you proved yourself time and time again. You saved Kensi's life countless times. You provided us an in on many cases that would have taken us years to establish on our own. You proved your worth on the team a long time ago, Deeks."

I looked up to see the Detective looking back at me, clearly confused.

"I'm stubborn, Deeks."

"Well, _yeah_," he replied with his signature smirk. It was steadier than before. "Thank you Captain Obvious. What's your point, Sam?"

I smiled, finally appreciating what he was doing. He was letting me off the hook with his humor, but I couldn't take it yet.

"My _point_ is," I said, giving him a mock glare, "that I was just too stubborn of you to change my opinion once I'd made up my mind."

Deeks just nodded his understanding.

"The others didn't make my same mistake, Deeks," I said, giving him a meaningful look. He didn't seem to catch what I was saying, so I put it bluntly. "_Kensi_ didn't make the same mistake."

Understanding flashed in his eyes before he broke eye contact.

"I don't know what happened between you," I said. Deeks was still looking down at his lap. "But she's up there, waiting for you."

His eyes flashed up to mine immediately.

"What?"

"She's up there, Deeks," I repeated. It was silent for quite some time.

"_Home,"_ he finally whispered in understanding.

I nodded.

"She said she was there because she, and I quote, 'didn't say something she _should_ have said.' Know anything about that?"

He just smiled slightly and shook his head.

"We have _terrible_ communication skills."

I laughed.

"Well, I can't argue with that," I said. Then I turned serious. "Let her communicate, Deeks. If her battle ready expression when I saw her was any indication, it'll be worth it."

He nodded and looked up at his apartment window. It was the only light still on in the building.

"Thanks, Sam. For…" he looked up at me. "For everything."

I just nodded and watched the young detective get out and walk to his building. I smiled as he disappeared, and started my car. Monday would certainly be interesting.

* * *

**AN: Thank you for reading! I know most of this was almost identical to the last chapters (different POVs), but chapter 10 will be all Kensi and Deeks! I hate to put in the plug here, but the more reviews the faster the update. That's **_**seriously**_** how my muse works, I'm not just begging for reviews! **

**Review and tell me if you have ideas for Kensi and Deeks's talk! **


	10. And I Love You

_**AN: Hey guys! WOW! The response here was AMAZING! I'm soooo blessed to have you all like this story! **_

_**Just a small note, many of you have said you don't want them to just kiss and make up, and I couldn't agree more. However, Deeks's character is, at heart, really forgiving and laid back. It's the reason it's plausible for him to end up with someone like Kensi. So I think we've seen angry Deeks, and now it's time for…well, the Deeks you'll see here. (I haven't actually written the chapter yet, so who knows where it'll go) That said, there is NO WAY they will kiss and end up in bed together right now. There's a LONG way to go, but if they work on it, which they WILL because I only believe in happy endings, it will work! **_

_**Okay, unnecessarily long AN is done! So, without further ado, Deeks and Kensi talk! Enjoy the chapter and review! **_

* * *

**Remember where we left Kensi...**

And without a backward glance, I walked into Deeks's apartment. It looked the same as the last time I'd been there. The memory was a balm on my heart.

_I may as well do some cleaning while I wait, _I thought, looking at my partner's disheveled living room. _It's the one thing I can fix right now._

* * *

A half hour after I arrived at Deeks's apartment, I'd taken out three trash bags full of take out carriers and empty milk cartons, gathered up all the dirty laundry strewn about, and was in the laundry room trying to remember everything Deeks had taught me about laundry while we were undercover as Melissa and Justin.

Once I'd started a load towels, I proceeded to sort the rest of his clothes the way I remembered him telling me. I was especially careful not to put his whites with his darks.

_Wouldn't want him complaining of looking like Barney,_ I thought with a small smile. _Again. _

I walked back out to his living room and looked around.

_It's not perfect, _I thought, _but at least I didn't drag a desk chair across the room to make it look like I vacuumed. _

I smiled slightly as I remembered Deeks joking back with me in OPS. It seemed like a lifetime ago that I'd been Melissa, and I'd gotten that little glimpse into paradise. I meant what I said to Deeks that day. It was nice having someone to come home to. I only wish I had told him that it wasn't just having _someone_ to come home to. It was having _him_ to come home to.

Thinking back on it, there were a lot of times when I'd held back. There were so many things I hadn't said. And if I'd learned anything from Deeks's outburst in the parking lot of OSP, it was that I couldn't leave them unsaid anymore if I wanted to keep Deeks in my life.

Eventually, the prepared Agent in me took over. I went to Deeks's desk, grabbed a pen and note pad, and sat down on the couch to write them all out. I wrote on the top of the page,

_I will tell him:_

I underlined it and paused. There were just so many things I needed to tell him, I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to get them all out. So many memories swam before my eyes before my mind landed on one.

The image of him, tied to a chair, blood running down his face, no sign of life… I remembered the way my heart had stopped… the way I'd frozen, unable to move until the need to _know_ became overwhelming.

I closed my eyes against the hot sting of tears, but I felt them escape anyway.

* * *

I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew I was startled awake by the rustle of someone entering the apartment. I reached for my gun before realizing I'd left it at Nell's house. I was frantically looking for something to defend myself with when the intruder came into view.

"Don't shoot, Kens," Deeks said, holding up his hands. "Besides, _I'm_ the one who lives here."

I let out a relieved sigh.

"Touché."

There was an awkward silence that, for all our normal banter, neither of us seemed to know how to fill.

"Look Kens," he began, rubbing the back of his neck but still making eye contact with me. "I think I owe you an explanation for what I… said back at the mission."

I opened my mouth to protest this. He didn't owe me anything.

"No, I do," he cut me off before I could say anything. "_I_ need to explain, even if you don't need me to."

I could tell he was uncharacteristically serious, so I silently waited for him to continue.

"I just…" he suddenly seemed at a loss for words, and it was scary. "I shouldn't have yelled at you. No," he held up his hand when I began to protest again, "no matter what happened, I didn't handle that right, and I'm sorry Kens. I could see it on your face that you were… afraid of me, and I don't ever want to be that."

He looked down, and paused for a moment, but I could see the self-recrimination in his eyes. I couldn't take it anymore.

"You look at me, Martin Deeks," I said fiercely. His eyes flashed up at mine in surprise. "You have _nothing_ to apologize for. I wasn't scared of you, because I knew you'd never hurt me. I was…I was ashamed, Deeks. And I was _scared_ because—because I thought I'd messed this up too much to fix it."

He smiled slightly, and it gave me a small amount of hope.

"I'm not going to say we're good, Kens," he said, "because we're not. When you left…it really hurt. I get why you did, but you still…left."

"Which time?" I whispered.

He looked confused, so I pressed on.

"Which time, Deeks?"

He just cocked his head to the side and changed the subject.

"Whatcha got there?"

"Really, Deeks?" I asked with a small smile. "Now who's answering questions with questions?" He smiled slightly, and it was almost like our old banter. He looked pointedly at the paper in my hand.

I sighed.

"This is a list," I said, following his lead and pointing out the obvious.

He just rolled his eyes at me.

"I can see that," he said with a hint of humor in his beautiful, ocean-blue eyes. There was a long silence.

"Whatcha got there?" he repeated. He looked up at me with a hopeful light in his blue eyes that I hadn't seen in too long.

It was as good a lead in as I was going to get, but suddenly, I didn't know if I could actually do it. My body froze up, and it felt like the walls were closing in on me.

Deeks's face fell, and it snapped me out of my paralysis. This wasn't about me. It was about Deeks and what he needed. And right now, he needed me to open up.

"This," I said slowly, holding up the paper in my hand, "is a list of things I've left unsaid for far too long."

His eyes relaxed slightly, but the hope didn't return.

"It's blank," he pointed out.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," I said, rolling my eyes. "It's more of an… internal kind of thing."

"Damn," he said with a humorless chuckle, shaking his head. I sent him a questioning look. He answered my unspoken question. "We really do have terrible communication skills if I'm thinking a blank list is progress."

That was the cue for my first admission.

"I don't mind _your_ communication skills."

His blue eyes flashed up at me in surprise. I took that as a sign to go on.

"I have a lot of things on this list," I said, gesturing to the blank paper. "So if you want to hear them, I suggest you sit right here," I patted the area next to me on the couch, "and you don't talk until I get through all of them."

He simply nodded, so I took a deep breath and forged on.

"When I first met you, when you were Jason," I could tell this beginning surprised him, "we had your face up on the board in the bull pen. You were a suspect. And I knew that up here," I said, pointing to my head. "But something in my gut just wouldn't let you go. And it was right, because not 24 hours later you were sitting in the boat shed working with us."

"What does that have to do with—"

"I _said_ don't talk, Deeks," I said, cutting him off. "You had your turn, and I really have to say this." I smiled slightly. "I'm not as good at communicating as you are."

This brought a slightly cocky smirk to his face, and instead of wishing it away, I couldn't help but wish it would never leave.

"I kept talking about you," I continued. "There was just something about you that had me stuck on you. And Callen said, 'Stuck, smitten, whatever.' And…" I paused, gathering my thoughts. "And that's the point of all this. I've been stuck on you from day one, Deeks. Even if I didn't realize it until I watched you with Shawn. Seeing you play with him… I was stuck on you, Deeks." _**(AN: A little boy he played with in the beginning of season 3)**_

Deeks just looked confused.

"And not too long after that, when we visited that news station… he'd lost his partner, and he was talking about how they had heat, but had never really mentioned it. I could see the regret in his eyes, and I realized… I realized that we have heat, too. We always have, since the beginning. You wanted to know what I wrote about in my journal. Not the one you found, but my real journal… it's you. Not on purpose, and not consciously, but it always ended up being about _you_."

I paused to gather my thoughts, and couldn't help wishing I'd thought this through more. Or maybe thinking it through less would have been the better option… because this next confession was embarrassing.

"And yes," I said, as if answering a spoken question. I smiled slightly at his confused look. "The answer to every single time you asked or teased me about being jealous. The answer is yes."

His smile was worth the embarrassment.

"And then we met Astrid," I said. "And yes, there were all those moments in between, but we met Astrid, and she… she reminded me of myself at her age, and so I stayed and played cards with her and she asked me…"

Could I really do this? Could I say it?

"What'd she ask you, Kens?" Deeks asked quietly.

I took a deep breath.

"She asked me if I was in love with you."

There was another tense silence, as Deeks struggled to find the right words to say.

"And what did you—"

"That's the point, Deeks!" I cut him off sharper than I meant to. "I didn't say anything. Because I'm a coward. Because I couldn't…" my voice dropped to a whisper. "I didn't say _anything_. But I should've said _yes_."

It was the closest I'd ever come to actually saying the words to him, but I still realized I hadn't actually _said_ them yet. I had something else to say first.

"I'm sorry I left, Deeks. I'm sorry for _every_ time I left. The literal times and the figurative times. I know you don't want to hear it, but I need to say it. I am sorry."

"I know, Kens," he said, and the way he was so understanding… it just killed me inside.

"No," I burst out, "you don't know. You're smarter than me Deeks," I said. Normally such a confession would prompt some sort of sarcastic retort, but now his eyes only went wide in surprise. "You're smart and loyal and dependable, and I have no doubt that you would have found a way to get me out, if the roles were reversed. But I couldn't think of _anything_. I just want you to know that it was the hardest thing I've ever done, leaving you there, in the warehouse, bloody and beaten and…" I trailed off, unable to continue until his hand on my arm brought me back from that awful place.

"And in the hospital, you wouldn't look at me, and I couldn't blame you," I said, trying to ignore the tears that I could suddenly feel streaming down my cheeks. "There was nothing I could do for you, they were putting you under, and I just… I wanted to go kill him," I finished in a whisper. "Slowly and painfully."

I made myself look up into his eyes. This was the make or break part.

"I'm messed up, Deeks," I said. I could tell he just quirked a smile because I so obviously wanted him to. "But I love you. Not just as a partner, and not just as a friend, but as…" I searched for the right words, but nothing came. "As _you_."

That was it. That was my confession. His bright blue eyes were liquid with unshed tears, but there was a joy behind them that brought me hope. He gathered me into his arms, breaking eye contact, and hugged me tightly to his body. I held on tighter.

Then he whispered the words I'd been so longing to hear.

"I love you, too, Kensi. We have a long way to go, but I know we'll get there."

* * *

_**Wow! I'm sorry there was a bit of a gap between updates, but that was the hardest chapter to write. Ever. I hope you enjoyed it! Leave a review and let me know! **_


	11. And I Love You, Too

_**AN: Fair warning, this is pretty much just chapter 10 from Deeks's POV. If you don't want to read it again, I totally understand, but I felt that it was an important enough moment that it deserved to be seen from each of their POVs. Enjoy and leave me a review. Should I end it here or continue?**_

_**Blessings, **_

_**bookdiva**_

* * *

**Where we left Deeks (and Sam)…**

_"Home," he finally whispered in understanding. _

_I nodded. _

_"She said she was there because she, and I quote, 'didn't say something she should have said.' Know anything about that?"_

_He just smiled slightly and shook his head. _

_"We have terrible communication skills."_

_I laughed. _

_"Well, I can't argue with that," I said. Then I turned serious. "Let her communicate, Deeks. If her battle ready expression when I saw her was any indication, it'll be worth it."_

_He nodded and looked up at his apartment window. It was the only light still on in the building. _

_"Thanks, Sam. For…" he looked up at me. "For everything."_

* * *

I barely registered walking up to my door, but when I went to insert my key, I found my hands were shaking too badly. I took a deep breath.

_If Kensi's here, it's probably already unlocked,_ I realized. If she hadn't used the key I'd given her, she would have just picked the lock.

Sure enough, the door opened, and I saw Kensi Marie Blye on my living room couch, tensed and ready for an attack. I hoped that wasn't an indication of how our conversation was going to go.

_Let her communicate, _I reminded myself.

"Don't shoot, Kens," I said, holding up my hands in mock surrender, only partly serious. "Besides," I smirked, "_I'm_ the one who lives here."

She let out a relieved sigh.

"Touché."

There was an awkward silence that, for all our normal banter, neither of us seemed to know how to fill.

"Look Kens," I began, making sure to look her in the eyes so she'd know I was serious. I vowed to let her do the communicating as soon as I got this out. "I think I owe you an explanation for what I… said back at the mission."

She began to protest, but I cut her off.

"No, I do. _I_ need to explain, even if you don't need me to."

I could tell she knew I was being serious because she actually listened to me.

"I just…" and suddenly I couldn't find the words. It was scary for me, because I'm _never_ at a loss for words. "I shouldn't have yelled at you. No," I held up my hand to forestal her coming protest, "no matter what happened, I didn't handle that right, and I'm sorry Kens. I could see it on your face that you were… afraid of me, and I don't ever want to be that."

As I said it, I couldn't make myself keep looking at her. Just remembering the rage that had filled me back at the mission made me ashamed and tired and…

"You look at me, Martin Deeks," she said fiercely, jumping up from her seat and startling me out of my thoughts. She stood toe to toe with me, and stared into my eyes. "You have _nothing_ to apologize for. I wasn't scared of you, because I knew you'd never hurt me. I was…" she backed away a little, "I was ashamed, Deeks. And I was _scared_ because—because I thought I'd messed this up too much to fix it."

Hearing her say that gave me a small amount of hope, and I allowed myself to smile a little.

"I'm not going to say we're good, Kens," I said, trying to be honest, "because we're not." But I had a feeling we would be, though. In time. "When you left… it really hurt. I get why you did, but you still… left."

"Which time?" she whispered.

I couldn't help my confusion at her words.

"Which time, Deeks?" she pressed.

_Oh. Which time. _

That brought back the pain again, but it wasn't as intense this time.

_The hill, the warehouse, the hospital… Probably the hospital,_ I realized, as I could at least partially understand the others, but the hospital confused me.

_Why did you leave me there alone?_

When I'd woken in the hospital, alone, surrounded by beeping machines, my mind had overtaken me. It was waking alone that had sent me into the downward spiral that I was only just getting out of.

"Whatcha got there?" I asked instead, nodding to my grocery list note pad in her hands and changing the subject. I wasn't sure if I was ready to voice those thoughts just yet.

"Really, Deeks?" she asked with a small smile. "Now who's answering questions with questions?" I smiled slightly, and it was almost like our old banter. Instead of answering her, I just looked pointedly at the paper in her hand again.

She sighed and sat back on the couch.

"This is a list," she said.

I couldn't help rolling my eyes at her obviousness.

"I can see that," I said feeling a hint of normalcy in my unforced humor. There was a long silence.

"Whatcha got there?" I repeated, feeling hopeful for the first time in a long while. The way she was clutching it made me think it was something important.

I could tell the moment her body froze up, and all of my hope disappeared.

_So we're really back to _this_? _I wondered. _I'm not sure I can do _this_ anymore. _

Then she surprised me.

"This," she said slowly, holding up the paper so I could see it, "Is a list of things I've left unsaid for far too long."

I relaxed slightly, but then I noticed something.

The list had the words _'I will tell him'_ on the top, but the paper had nothing else on it.

"It's blank," I pointed out.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," she said, repeating my retort from earlier and rolling her eyes at me. "It's more of an… internal kind of thing."

_Of course it is, _I thought dryly. _Let her communicate. _

"Damn," I said with a humorless chuckle, shaking my head.

She sent me a questioning look.

"We really do have terrible communication skills if I'm thinking a blank list is progress."

A blush made its way across her face at my words.

"I don't mind _your_ communication skills."

I couldn't help the surprise that showed in my eyes.

_"How's that for communication?" _I'd asked her. Then she'd left. Then, all hell broke loose.

"I have a lot of things on this list," she said, gesturing to the blank paper. "So if you want to hear them, I suggest you sit right here," she patted the area next to me on the couch, "and you don't talk until I get through all of them."

I couldn't think of anything to say, so I simply nodded and sat beside her.

"When I first met you, when you were Jason," she began, surprising me, "we had your face up on the board in the bull pen. You were a suspect. And I knew that up here," she said, pointing to her head. "But something in my gut just wouldn't let you go. And it was right, because not 24 hours later you were sitting in the boat shed working with us."

"What does that have to do with—" I wondered aloud.

"I said don't talk, Deeks," she said, cutting me off. "You had your turn, and I really have to say this." Then she smiled slightly, and her voice softened. "I'm not as good at communicating as you are."

I couldn't help the slightly cocky smirk that crossed my face at her words, but from her smile I could tell she didn't really mind.

"I kept talking about you," she continued. "There was just something about you that had me stuck on you. And Callen said, 'Stuck, smitten, whatever.' And…" she paused, as if gathering her thoughts. "And that's the point of all this. I've been stuck on you from day one, Deeks. Even if I didn't realize it until I watched you with Shawn. Seeing you play with him… I was stuck on you, Deeks."

I just felt confused. I remembered playing with Shawn on the tennis courts, but I hadn't even known Kensi had been watching.

"And not too long after that, when we visited that news station… he'd lost his partner, and he was talking about heat, but had never really mentioned it." I remembered the case well, because that was also a turning moment for me. "I could see the regret in his eyes, and I realized… I realized that we have heat, too. We always have, since the beginning. You wanted to know what I wrote about in my journal. Not the one you found, but my real journal… it's you. Not on purpose, and not consciously, but it always ended up being about you."

She paused to collect her thoughts and her face turned red again.

_Kensi Blye blushing twice in a matter of minutes? _

If this wasn't such a serious conversation I'd be teasing her about it. Instead, I just waited impatiently for whatever she was going to say that was making her blush so deeply.

"And yes," she finally said, as if answering a spoken question.

I just shot her a confused look, unsure of how this would cause her to blush.

"The answer to every single time you asked or teased me about being jealous," she continued, and it all made sense. "The answer is yes."

I couldn't help my grin, and she smiled back at me.

"And then we met Astrid," she said, and I smiled as I remembered the girl. "And yes, there were all those moments in between, but we met Astrid, and she… she reminded me of myself at her age, and so I stayed and played cards with her and she asked me…"

Could I really do this? Could I say it?

"What'd she ask you, Kens?" Deeks asked quietly.

She took a deep breath, and I couldn't stop my mind from turning out all the worst case scenarios.

"She asked me if I was in love with you."

I don't know what I was expecting, but it was not that.

"And what did you—"

"That's the point, Deeks!" she cut in sharply. "I didn't say anything. Because I'm a coward. Because I couldn't…" my voice dropped to a whisper. "I didn't say _anything_. But I should've said yes."

It was the closest she'd ever come to saying the words. It lifted some of the weight off my chest, but I couldn't help but wonder if we'd ever get to the point of really saying it.

"I'm sorry I left, Deeks. I'm sorry for _every_ time I left. The literal times and the figurative times. I know you don't want to hear it, but I need to say it. I am sorry."

"I know, Kens," I said, suddenly feeling guilty for the tears running down her face. It didn't matter anymore, as long as she would just smile again.

"No," she burst out, startling me again, "you don't know. You're smarter than me Deeks," she said, and I felt my eyes go wide in surprise. "You're smart and loyal and dependable, and I have no doubt that you would have found a way to get me out, if the roles were reversed. But I couldn't think of _anything_. I just want you to know that it was the hardest thing I've ever done, leaving you there, in the warehouse, bloody and beaten and…" she trailed off and her eyes glazed over.

I reached out and touched her arm. She looked at me as if suddenly realizing where she was.

"And in the hospital, you wouldn't look at me, and I couldn't blame you," she said, tears falling down her cheeks. I hated myself for being the cause of them. "There was nothing I could do for you, they were putting you under, and I just… I wanted to go kill him," I finished in a whisper. "Slowly and painfully."

It made sense now. I'd been really out of it, and Kensi needed to feel like she was doing something. She hadn't meant to leave me on my own in that hospital. She wanted to go kill Siderov. I could understand that.

"I'm messed up, Deeks," she said, her eyes desperate to lighten my mood. So I smiled, because _she_ wanted me to. "But I love you. Not just as a partner, and not just as a friend, but as…" I searched for the right words, but nothing came. "As _you_."

I felt the tears in my eyes at her words, and I couldn't take it anymore. I reached out and pulled her to me. She held on just as tight.

"I love you, too, Kensi," I whispered. "We have a long way to go, but I know we'll get there."

I kissed her head, leaned back on the couch, and fell asleep holding her in my arms.

* * *

**Thank you for reading! Leave a review on your way out! :D**


	12. And Now I'm Awake

"I love you, too, Kensi," I whispered. "We have a long way to go, but I know we'll get there."

I kissed her head, leaned back on the couch, and fell asleep holding her in my arms.

**Deeks's POV**

I awoke before the sun to a crick in my neck. For a moment, I was completely disoriented. Then, slowly, I became aware of the feel of her body pressed against mine. Her brown locks were pushed up, away from her neck, tickling at my chin, and she was doing the best starfish impersonation that the small couch would allow.

My neck hurt, my back was sore, and my head was still pounding with the after effects of the explosion. And yet, for the first time since I'd felt her lips on mine atop that hill, I felt happy. I felt complete. I felt like life was finally getting back on track, and it was better than I could have imagined.

I felt a grin spread across my face as she groaned in her sleep and snuggled her face further into my chest.

_I could wake up like this every day, _I realized. It wasn't unexpected, by any means, but the seriousness of the thought still managed to catch me off guard. But then, I'd always known that Kensi would be permanent.

I leaned over and grabbed my phone to check the time. Kensi stirred, and I froze. Then she sighed softly and stilled.

According to my phone, it was 4:56 a.m. In other words, I should still be asleep. I noticed a text from G.

_"We're debriefing at OSP at 8. Since neither of you showed last night, I suggest you both make it."_

I sighed. I wasn't off the hook for missing last night and apparently neither was Kensi. If I was being honest, I was sort of glad that she'd been unable to go after our… talk. But I also hoped she hadn't been at my apartment alone the whole time.

"Mmmm, Marty," Kensi mumbled.

I tensed. Was she awake?

"Yes, Princess?" I asked tentatively.

Instead of answering she hugged me tighter and whispered, "I love you."

Then she was still again.

_Kensi talks in her sleep, _I thought with a real smile. _And she loves me._

Sure, she'd said the words last night—so had I—but hearing it from her in this totally honest, unguarded state, brought me to a high I'd never known before. It was exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.

If the ordeal with Siderov had taught me anything, it was that Kensi had the power to save me and destroy me. I'd been severely shaken by the torture, and I didn't want to drag Kensi down with me. But when she was here—just babbling about nothing, just like I taught her, or snuggled in my arms—the nightmares were unable to touch me. It gave me some hope that we would go forward. Because I knew that I could never go back.

I stayed lost in my thoughts until the sunlight began to stream in through my still open blinds. I glanced at my phone and realized that if Kensi and I wanted to make it to the debriefing, we both needed to get up.

Kensi shifted in her sleep, and this time, I shifted so I could touch her shoulder. Her eyes fluttered open, and she tensed for a moment. When our eyes locked, no words were needed.

I smirked. We'd always been good at non-verbal communication.

I expected her to punch me, or make a comment that would wipe the smirk off my face. Instead, she smiled and laid her head back on my chest.

"Mmmm, morning," her sleepy voice was muffled by the fabric of my t-shirt.

"Good morning, Princess," I said with a chuckle, glad that she seemed happy. "It's time to get up."

"Nuhhh," she moaned, shaking her head. "I don't wanna get up. You're comfy."

I laughed again, encircling my arms around her so she wouldn't fall off the couch.

"Well, I aim to serve, Fern," I teased. "But we really do have to get up."

I began to sit up, being careful not to push her off the couch.

"Gah, _Deeks_, what the hell?" she growled, trying to pull me back down. She was trying to sound threatening, but instead it was absolutely adorable. Her head came up and her mismatched eyes met mine. For a long moment, we were both silent. No words seemed to fit the situation. Then I remembered her words from last night.

_"I don't mind _your_ communication skills."_

I realized exactly what needed to be '_said_' in this situation, and so, with a slow grin, I leaned down and captured her lips with mine.

"Good morning, Princess," I repeated when I pulled back. She looked up at me, completely dazed. I just smiled, refraining—for now—from teasing her about it. "We really have to go. G rescheduled the debrief for this morning, since apparently no one showed up last night." This just caused her to grimace. "If you get up and get ready," I said, shifting gears, "I'll make you pancakes."

She narrowed her eyes and sat up.

"Okay," she grumbled good naturally, "but only for the pancakes."

I smirked.

"Of course," I nodded, winking at her so she'd know I didn't really believe her.

She finally cracked, and her laugh warmed my heart. She stood up and stretched.

"I'm going to shower," she said, causally. Then she leaned down and kissed me.

"Make me some food," she mumbled against my lips. With that, she sashayed to my bathroom and closed the door. I was stunned into silence for a moment.

"Need some help with that?" I called at the closed door, snapping out of my Kensi-induced stupor.

Her laughter floated through my apartment.

"In your dreams," she said.

"All the time darlin'. All the time."

I smiled at the memory and turned to my kitchen. Suddenly, the domesticity of the moment hit me. Waking up together. Kensi in the shower, me making pancakes in the kitchen. And the thought of making this the daily routine for the rest of my life didn't freak me out. Instead, it made me feel a little light headed with happiness.

I mixed up the pancakes, and I was just taking off the first set of chocolate chip pancakes when a pair of arms wrapped around me from behind. I just leaned back into Kensi's embrace.

"Mmm," I murmured contentedly. "You really do have perfect timing, don't you?"

"I just smelled something delicious," she said, laughing into my shoulder.

"Just to clarify," I said, turning and wrapping my arms around her, my fingers twirling in her still damp hair, "we are still talking about the pancakes?"

She just laughed, but instead of the punch I was expecting, she pulled me down and kissed me.

"I liked this part of being Melissa," she said. "But I like it as Kensi even better."

I was flabbergasted. Kensi just smiled, reached around me, and grabbed the plate of chocolate chip pancakes.

"Let's eat pancakes," she continued. She walked away from me, but I couldn't follow.

"I'm… confused?" I said slowly. She set the pancakes down on the table and turned toward me.

She smiled.

"I told you it was a long list," she said. "And I didn't get through it all last night. Actually, I'll probably never get through it all. It's really, reeeeeally long."

I smiled. I appreciated her humor.

"I'll probably be thinking of new items I need to… share…"

And with that, she grabbed my hand, dragged me over to my table, and we dug into the pancakes.


	13. And We're Back

_**AN: First of all, two updates in one day? Haha, go me!**_

_**Some people have said that the POV situation in this story is confusing, and I'm sorry if you're one who feels that way. It's been mostly GUESTS who have said this, and I can't reply to them so this is—essentially—the only place I CAN respond. **_

_**This starts with Kensi's POV starting when she wakes up. That's where it made sense for me to begin, so if you don't want to 're-read' that part, then please, feel free to skip it :)**_

_**Thank you all for the amazing support and reviews! I was hitting a brick wall which surprisingly broke today! Yay for inspiration. I'm still not sure how long this will be… I guess we'll all just have to wait and see! Enjoy the chapter!**_

* * *

The first thing I was aware of was that I was happy. It was a strange feeling, waking up happy. It wasn't something I'd experienced in a really long time. When I opened my eyes, I didn't immediately recognize where I was, but it didn't take long for the previous night to come back to me. I relaxed and looked up to find my partner smiling down at me. I smiled too, reading in his eyes what he was thinking. We'd always been good at non-verbal communication.

"Mmmm, morning," I said, burying my face back into his warm, comfy chest.

"Good morning, Princess," he said, and I felt his chest rumble as he laughed. "It's time to get up."

"Nuhhh," I moaned, shaking my head in protest. That was the worst idea I'd ever heard. "I don't wanna get up. You're comfy."

He laughed again, encircling me in his arms. I relished the feel and snuggled deeper into his embrace.

"Well, I aim to serve, Fern," he teased. "But we really do have to get up."

He then began to sit up, pulling away from me ever so slightly.

_Oh no you don't. _

"Gah, _Deeks_, what the hell?" I growled, trying to pull him back to me. I did my best to sound threatening, but even I wasn't fooled. I looked up into his amazing blue eyes. For a long moment, we were both silent. No words seemed to fit the situation. Then a slow grin crossed his face, and I knew what was going to happen. His lips met mine, and I realized I must still be dreaming. That had to be it.

"Good morning, Princess," he repeated when he pulled back. I just looked up at him, completely dazed. He just smiled. "We really have to go. G rescheduled the debrief for this morning, since apparently no one showed up last night."

I grimaced, remembering that part of last night.

"If you get up and get ready," Deeks said, playing with my hair gently, "I'll make you pancakes."

I narrowed my eyes suspiciously at him and sat up.

"Okay," I grumbled good-naturedly, "but only for the pancakes."

He smirked.

"Of course," he nodded with a wink that belied his serious tone.

I couldn't help my laugh at the look on his ridiculously handsome face.

_So I'm not dreaming. _

I stood up and stretched.

"I'm going to shower," I said, causally. Then, because I could, I leaned down and kissed him.

"Make me some food," I mumbled against his lips. I could tell I'd left him speechless, so I sashayed into his bathroom and closed the door.

"Need some help with that?" his voice called a long moment later.

I laughed at his playful tone.

"In your dreams," I called back.

"All the time darlin'. All the time."

I smiled at the memory his words brought. I turned on the water, grabbed a towel from the shelf, and stepped into the shower. As the warm water hit me, I began to wake up.

_This is all real,_ I realized. _All of it. Wow… I will not take this for granted,_ I vowed. _I'll get all the things out. As soon as I can. _

Coming to my partner's house hadn't really been something I'd had time to plan for—to say the least—so I didn't have anything except a pair of jeans that I'd left here a few weeks ago. It was a good thing I had those, at least, because I'd never hear the end of it if I showed up to OSP—with Deeks—in the same clothes I'd worn the day before. I had to borrow one of his smaller V-necks, though.

Although the shower felt fantastic, I couldn't help but miss my partner. Which was, you know, pathetic since he was just on the other side of the door. Unfortunately, it was still true. I quickly toweled off, slipped into my jeans and Deeks's shirt, and finger combed through my hair. I used my towel to dry my hair until it was only slightly damp and wavy. Just like the day I'd met Jason Wyler in the MMA gym…

I walked out of the bathroom to see my partner, mixing pancakes. He was humming "I've Got Sunshine" seemingly unconsciously, and he must have been lost in thought because he didn't hear me approach.

I took the opportunity to observe him. Seeing my partner moving around the kitchen, humming and frying pancakes, felt so…natural. It made me feel warm and fuzzy and happy in a totally cliché. I didn't want to go back to work, because I didn't want this feeling to end.

Eventually, I couldn't help myself. I walked up behind him and put my arms around him, grateful that I now had the right to do so.

"Mmm," he murmured contentedly, leaning back into my embrace. "You really do have perfect timing, don't you?"

I smiled at that.

"I just smelled something delicious," I said, laughing, snuggling into his shoulder and inhaling deeply.

"Just to clarify," he said, turning, wrapping his arms around her, and playing with my still damp hair, "we are still talking about the pancakes?"

I couldn't help the laugh that escaped me at the sight of his cocky smirk. Oddly enough, I had no urge to punch him, so I just pulled him down and kissed him. Because I could. It felt great.

"I liked this part of being Melissa," I confessed, remembering my vow from earlier. "But I like it as Kensi even better."

I could tell he was flabbergasted. I just smiled, enjoying this new phenomenon of rendering Marty Deeks speechless. I reached around him and grabbed the plate of chocolate chip pancakes.

"Let's eat pancakes," I said as I turned away from him.

"I'm… confused?" he said slowly.

I set the pancakes down on the table and turned toward him, but he hadn't moved.

I smiled at his confusion.

"I told you it was a long list," I said. "And I didn't get through it all last night. Actually," I said, attempting to lighten the mood, "I'll probably _never_ get through it all. It's really, _reeeeeally_ long."

His smile told me he appreciated my improved sense of humor.

"I'll probably be thinking of new items I need to… share…" I continued, sending him a sly look over my shoulder.

And with that, I grabbed his hand and physically dragged him over to the table to sit. We dug into the pancakes, eating in silence.

There was, however, something else bothering me.

"Deeks," I began cautiously. I wasn't sure how to continue. After all, I wasn't exactly sure where we stood. Sure, we'd said _'I love you'_ but what were we? Not that I was quite ready to have _that _discussion yet. But did I have the right to ask this next question?

"What's up, Fern?" he asked, cocking his head to the side comically.

"I just, um…" I looked down at the table, suddenly finding my pancakes very interesting.

"Look Kens," Deeks sighed, "you can't shut me out. Whatever it is, just say it."

I looked back up at him, but his blue eyes were patient.

"I was just wondering where Monty is."

The words rushed out all in one breath. Deeks's confused look disappeared immediately and comprehension crossed his face, followed immediately by shame. I was worried.

_Did he give Monty away?_ I couldn't imagine Deeks doing something that… drastic.

"He's, hum," Deeks said, clearing his throat , avoiding my gaze, and just looking… twitchy, "I sent him to a doggy hotel."

"What?" I was surprised and relieved at the same time.

"I wasn't sleeping," Deeks said, still not looking at me, "And I really just… wasn't in a place to be looking after him. I didn't want him to suffer because of me."

I reached across the table and took his hand in mine. Deeks looked up at me.

"I would've helped," I said.

"I know," Deeks said, "But we were… whatever it is that we were at the time, which was, you know, _that_. And I wasn't sure…"

I'd never know how my partner—who could talk himself out of nearly every situation—was absolutely terrible at this kind of communication.

"That doesn't make any sense, Deeks," I said with a sigh. But then I looked in his eyes, and I understood. I'd left him so many times in those critical moments that he really had thought he couldn't depend on me. It hurt, but I understood. "But I understand what you mean. I won't leave you again. I want to be there for you, Deeks. Will you let me show you? You don't have to lose Monty."

"I've been meaning to go get him," he continued hastily trying to reassure me, "but I'm just not sure…" he trailed off.

"What if we go get him, together, after work?" I asked hesitantly. Deeks smiled at me, and by the look in his eyes, I could tell he heard my real question. _Will you let me help you now?_

"That sounds good," he answered. I didn't even try to hide my smile.

"Good," I whispered, overwhelmed by what he was really saying. "Good."

"Good," he repeated. He got up to do the dishes, but I stopped him.

"I'll do that," I said. He started to protest, but I stopped him again. "You cook, I clean. Besides," I continued, glancing at the time on his microwave clock, "If you're not ready to go in fifteen minutes, we'll be late. I don't know about you, but I sure don't want to explain that to G and Sam. Not to mention Hetty."

His eyes widened in mock fear and he immediately headed to his bedroom.

"I'll be ready in a jiffy," he said, already halfway down the hall.

"Jiffy?" I said with a laugh. "Really, Deeks, who says 'jiffy' anymore?"

He just laughed.

* * *

We walked into OPS at exactly 7:54. Together.

If G and Sam thought anything of it, they didn't say anything.

"Good morning," Sam said. He tried to look nonchalant, but I could see the question behind his eyes. I just nodded back at him.

It was then that I remembered I hadn't yet found out what Sam had said to Deeks. I was confused about how I should be treating Sam. I knew, when I found out what he'd said to Deeks, that I'd be angry. That was a given. But in the mean time, I just felt… awkward.

I made a mental note to ask Deeks about it tonight, after we went to pick up Monty. I smiled at the thought. I missed that scruffy mutt.

I became even more confused when Deeks smiled at Sam and said, "Mornin', Sam!" with a big, cheeky, Marty-Deeks-grin.

"I need your help," Sam said, motioning to both Deeks and me. "G thinks he wants a tattoo."

"Whoa, what?" Deeks laughed. "_Callen_? With a _tat_?"

"That's just wrong," I agreed with an amused smile.

"And why's that, exactly?" Callen asked me, entering the bull pen.

"Like I said," Sam answered for me, "there are tat people… and then there's…"

"You," Deeks helped with that cheeky grin that made my knees melt. Sam laughed and reached over to high-five my partner.

"Exactly! Thank you, Deeks," Sam exclaimed.

"Seriously?" Callen said. He looked over to me for support.

"Sorry, G. You're on your own with this one. I'm with them."

Callen shook his head.

"This is ridiculous. Ganged up on by my own team."

"Ha!" Deeks said. "Welcome to my world."

I flinched slightly at my words, but I could tell he meant it as a joke as he slapped G on the shoulder.

"Apparently, it's how this bunch communicates, Mr. Callen," Hetty said, seemingly appearing out of thin air. "Might I suggest," she continued, giving us a patented Hetty-look, "that you all commence with the missed debrief? You can discuss your… heinous ideas later, Mr. Callen."

With that, Hetty disappeared up the stairs.

"I swear she's two-thirds ninja," Deeks whispered, coming up behind me. I shivered at his closeness.

"I heard that, Mr. Deeks," Hetty called from upstairs.

I couldn't help but laugh at Deeks's expression of fear.

"Don't worry, partner," I whispered back, lingering a moment longer than our usual touching—which bordered on inappropriate anyways—and touching the small of his back discretely. "I won't let her hurt you."

The grin on my partner's face made up for any suspicious looks I got from Callen and Sam as we sat down to debrief.

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_**Thanks for reading, folks! Review, and let me know where you want this to go from here :)**_


	14. And We Laugh

_**AN: Okay, sorry this took so long. This is kinda just a filler chapter, but I put in lots of Kensi/Deeks banter, and even a little of the team. :D It should make you all smile, and hopefully tide you over until I manage to update again. **_

_**For awhile, I didn't really know where I was taking this, but thanks to my mom—SHOUT OUT TO MY MOM!—I now have an endgame in mind. Don't worry, though. There's still lots of issues for us to work through together!**_

_**In the mean time, please enjoy this chapter! **_

_**Blessings,**_

_**bookdiva**_

* * *

After the debriefing, which was surprisingly brief, the day was quiet. Sam was sitting next to me, reviewing old case files. G and Kensi were catching up on paperwork that they'd managed to procrastinate. Most days the whole situation would be annoying, but today I was just grateful. The night before had been unusual, and I was tired. All that anger and emotion had wiped me out.

It felt good to be joking around with Kensi again. I knew we weren't back to normal yet—and maybe I didn't want to go back to our old normal—but we were bantering again.

My phone buzzing broke me out of my reverie.

_**That paperwork won't write itself, Shaggy. **_

I smiled at Kensi's text, but I didn't dare look up at her. Before I could reply, my phone buzzed again.

_**xoxoxoxo**_

_**Really, Fern? **_I texted back. _**At work? Cause I thought we were keeping THAT for my place… later tonight ;)**_

I sent it and watched Kensi's face as she read it. I'd expected a glare, but instead I saw a slight blush light up my partner's face.

_**Is that a promise? **_

I actually choked at her reply, and she smirked at me.

"You alright, Deeks?" Sam asked, looking over at me in concern.

"What? Yeah, no I'm fine," I quickly reassured the SEAL, tucking my phone out of sight. "I'm actually better than fine. I'm great." Kensi was staring down at her paperwork, clearly trying not to laugh.

_I think it's time I turned the tables on her,_ I thought.

"Actually, Sam," I continued, looking at Kensi out of the corner of my eye, "I'm actually just _really _looking forward to tonight." Kensi tensed and slowly looked up at me. A few years ago the look in her eyes might have terrified me. Now, though, it only amused me.

"I'm gonna _ride a little wild surf,_" I continued, using all of my discipline not to laugh out loud at Kensi's incredulous expression. "I think it's about time."

"Oh really," Kensi chimed in, giving me an excuse to turn my attention toward her. I couldn't help but grin at her resilience.

_My girl doesn't stay off balance long. _

"What if the waves aren't _receptive_?" she asked, her eyes alight with mischief.

"Well, Fern," I said, keeping up the teasing tone, but conveying with my eyes that I was serious. "I'm pretty sure they will be now. Besides, the best waves are always worth waiting for."

I could tell I'd knocked her off balance with that one, as she had no witty retort. She just looked at me, her mismatched eyes shining, and we communicated the way we did best—silently.

"You know what's really worth waiting for?" Callen asked, snapping Kensi and I out of our silent communication. He hadn't looked up from his paperwork for an answer, but apparently G meant it as a rhetorical question, because he continued, "That paperwork that's due by the end of the day."

Sam chucked, "I'm sure that must suck, G, but Deeks and I already have ours done."

"That's right," I said in a mock-serious tone. "Because we're the responsible, hard-working, disciplined members of this team."

This caused everyone to laugh, and Sam leaned over and high-fived me.

"You got that right!" he exclaimed. I high-fived him back, glad we were good again.

"Hey, I'm disciplined!" Kensi protested. At this, the whole team stopped laughing and looked at her. "What?" she demanded. "I am!"

"Kens," I began slowly, "look, Princess… It's not that you're not capable of giving out discipline. I think you proved that with Javier. But the thing is, disciplined people do _not_ eat as many Twinkies in one sitting as you do. They just _don't_."

"Deeks," Kensi hissed, low and dangerously. I should have been scared, but I couldn't help but think of when I'd been not-really-fired from my liaison position, and she'd slipped into the back of my car.

_"Has anyone ever told you that you're cute when you're homicidally angry?"_

It was still true.

"Remember that chat we had about reckless behavior?" she asked, getting up and walking over to my desk.

"Well, Fern," I said, standing with a smirk on my face, "I don't really remember a _conversation_. I do, however," I continued at her slightly thrown look, "remember some _communication_ on the subject."

She just smiled at me, her annoyance gone, and said, "It was good communication." She sat on the edge of my desk and leaned down. "Whatcha working on?"

"Old case files," I replied with a groan, gesturing to a stack. "Apparently Hetty has her own form of torture."

I'd meant it as a joke, but the way Kensi tensed up and backed away from my desk, I could tell it was a mistake. Callen was still working away at his paperwork, seemingly oblivious, and Sam was looking at the paperwork on his desk, trying to look like he wasn't listening.

"Kens—"

"I'm going to go ask Nell about that case… with the thing about that case," Kensi said, turning and walking briskly up the stairs. She was out of sight before I could call out to her, and I couldn't yell now without alerting everyone in OSP to our sudden drama.

_What was that all about? _I wondered. _I thought we were good now. I thought the old banter was what she wanted…. After all, _she_ made torture jokes. Why can't I? _

"Deeks?" Sam's voice startled me out of my thoughts.

I sighed and shook my head, "Yeah?"

He didn't say anything. He just did that annoying thing with his SEAL expression that I was supposed to read.

Okay, so I knew what he meant, and I agreed with him, but it was annoying nonetheless.

"Right," I snapped, getting up to follow Kensi. "I was headed there. Just, you know, giving her a second to cool down so she doesn't snap my neck." Sam smiled.

Knowing Kensi, she hadn't gone to see Nell. She was probably beating the hell out of a punching bag in the gym. Sure enough, Kensi was in the gym. She'd changed out of her jeans and my t-shirt, and was currently rocking yoga capris and a sports bra. Her back was to me, and all her concentration was on beating the hell out of whoever she was picturing as the punching bag, so I just watched her for a moment.

Even pissed off she was graceful and skilled, and she took my breath away. When I'd recovered from my Kensi-induced speechlessness, I strode noiselessly toward her.

When I was right behind her, I whispered, "Gee, Fern! What did Nell do to you?"

She spun around and was poised to strike at my face. My hands instinctively went up to my jaw to protect the still slightly fragile bones of my face. Her eyes widened in horror, and she immediately stepped back.

"I—I'm sorry, Deeks. I didn't hear you, and—"

"It's okay, Kens," I said, cautiously stepping toward her with my arms out. She relaxed a little under my touch, so i pulled her a little closer. We were now standing almost nose to nose. I leaned my head down just a little and rested my forehead against hers.

"Who are you beating up on, Kens?" I asked. "Was my joke really that bad?"

She sighed.

"It wasn't you, Deeks," She said, not looking at me. I understood.

_Siderov._

I held back my reaction even the thought of that name caused, because it wouldn't help Kensi.

"Look, Kens," I said, pulling back slightly and tipping her chin up to look at me, "I'm sorry I pushed you back there. I didn't think it would be a big deal. You were making torture jokes the day I came back to work, and I just thought—"

"I'm sorry," Kensi said, finally looking up at me on her own. "I didn't mean them. I just… if I couldn't joke with you, then I thought we couldn't get back to normal, and I couldn't live with it if I didn't have that with you."

"Hey," I said reassuringly, "I promised you I wouldn't die, right?"

She nodded.

"Well, then, there's nothing to worry about, is there."

She looked up at me like I was nuts, and for a moment I thought she would argue with me, but then she managed a small smile and shook her head.

"And if I recall that conversation correctly," I said with a teasing grin, "then you also promised to keep my cryogenically frozen body in your bedroom."

This got a real smile out of her.

"Now come on," I continued, pulling her with me toward the locker rooms. When we reached the door to the women's locker room, I smiled down at her.

"Get a shower and then maybe I'll help you with that paperwork."

Now her smile lit up her entire face.

"Really?" she asked.

I couldn't help but smirk. "_Really_, really."

I was fully unprepared for what happened next. Kensi pushed me into the—thankfully empty—women's locker room, pressed me up against the wall, and kissed me.

A few minutes later I was feeling dizzy, light headed, and most certainly happy. When we separated, we were both grinning like idiots.

"Wow, Fern," I said, smirking down at her. "All that for some paperwork?"

She just smiled at me and pushed me out the door.

"No," she replied. "All that for being you."

Then she shut the door in my stunned face. Once I'd collected myself, I headed back to my desk. I smiled as I grabbed a stack of papers off her desk and got to work.

_The sooner it's done, the sooner we can leave._

* * *

**_Haha, this ended up longer and fluffier than I meant it to. I hope you enjoyed it! Let me know :D_**


	15. And We're Flying

_**AN: I'm so, so, soooo sorry that it took so long to update! This was a hard chapter, and I wanted to make sure that I got it right! I hope you enjoy it! I know I sure did :D **_

_**As always, let me know what you think! **_

**_Blessings, _**

**_bookdiva_**

* * *

When I returned to my desk, fresh from my shower, my partner was nowhere to be seen.

"Where's Deeks?" I asked immediately, feeling the familiar panic build up in my chest. I couldn't help but think up the worst case possibilities.

_LAPD called him back for an op, _I panicked. _He couldn't say goodbye, and he'll be gone for months, and he might never come back, because they didn't backstop him right, and he doesn't have proper back up, and—_

"Kens?" Sam's voice snapped me out of my panicked thoughts.

"Where's my partner?" I repeated fiercely, swinging my glare over at Sam.

"Whoa, Kens," Sam said, holding up his hands and leaning back in his chair away from me. "He just went out to grab lunch. We thought you'd be hungry after your… workout."

I let out the breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding.

"Okay," I said, sitting down at my desk and grabbing the top file on the stack that littered my desk. "That's… good. That's good."

Neither Sam nor Callen said anything else. The bullpen was tense and silent for a long while until the sound of my partner's laugh echoed against the walls.

"What did you people _do_ before you had me?" he wondered aloud, a cocky smirk on his handsome face. "You must have been bored out of your minds!"

"No," Callen said with a smirk, looking up from his paper work, "we just got a helluva lot more work done."

"Ah, you wound me," Deeks said, but his eyes still sparkled in humor. "But I come bearing gifts. And I can see that someone," he said, turning towards me, "is really happy to see me!"

I realized that I'd let my elation show in my grin—he knew I was glad to see him—but I stilled tried to pass it off.

"Food," I said, holding out my hand, but still smiling.

"Yeah, yeah," he grumbled good-naturedly as he passed out everyone's food. "I'm just your servant, Princess," he whispered as he handed me my fish tacos. I tried to hide my blush, but I could tell he saw it. He grabbed a few files off the top of my stack and sat back down at his desk.

The rest of the day passed slowly. To be honest—though I'd rather die than admit it to any member of my team—I was grateful. After the emotional roller coaster of the past few months, I was glad for the break from case work. Tomorrow would be soon enough to get out into the field with my partner.

Around four, Callen stood up.

"We might as well call it a night," he said. "Who knows what'll come up tomorrow."

Everyone was up and out of their chairs before he could change his mind. Sam and Callen headed toward the doors.

"See you tomorrow," Sam called over his shoulder.

"See you tomorrow," Deeks called back. He gathered up his things and came to stand in front of my desk. I smiled at him, coming around the desk and taking his hand.

"Let's go get Monty."

* * *

"So why'd you send Monty here?" I asked as we pulled up outside Dawgy DayCare—seriously, that was what the sign said.

"I, hum, heard about it from a friend, and I sometimes send him here when I'm on long term undercover ops. It's familiar to him."

It wasn't the answer I'd been looking for, but he'd already exited the car. I sighed and followed him.

"This is a good place," he said, opening the door to Dawgy DayCare for me. "Monty always enjoys himself, and he—"

"Well, hey Marty!" A blond woman came bounding toward us, cutting Deeks off. She brushed past me, and shimmied up to my partner. I immediately felt the jealousy rise up in me as she reached out to Deeks, but then I fought it back.

_Do I even have a claim on him? What are we?_

"Hi, Jessica," he said with a half smile. He looked toward me questioningly, and I realized what he was asking. Without hesitating, I slipped around her, and put my arm around my partner.

"Hi… _Jessica_," I said, making sure to read the name off her Volunteer name tag. "Marty and I just got back from a trip to Paris—Marty is _such_ a romantic—and we missed _our_ Monty, so much. We just _had_ to come and get him right away." I leaned my head against Deeks's shoulder and smiled at how well I fit there.

He played it perfectly, slipping his arm around my waist, and pulling my body into his. He gazed down at me, and for a moment I lost myself in his ocean blue eyes. Jessica cleared her throat and broke me out of my Deeks-induced haze.

I broke my gaze away from my partner, and leveled my famous Bad-Ass Blye glare at Jessica.

_He's mine. Back off. Don't try anything,_ I said—in the way only females can—with my eyes. _He's mine. _

She backed away, clearly getting the message, and I grinned. I felt my partner chuckle beside me, but I didn't slug him like I normally would. It was enough just to hear his laugh.

"I'll, uh, just go get him," she said, retreating quickly.

"Easy, there, Fern," he said, chuckling. "I'm all yours. No need to get territorial."

Normally, I'd slug him for such a comment, but I was too touched by his words to bring his ego down.

"Really?" I asked. "You're really mine?"

He smiled down at me.

"I told you I love you, Fern," he said with a smile.

"I love you, too."

He leaned down, and I was sure he was going to kiss me, but Monty suddenly jumped up at Deeks, tail wagging and licking him excitedly.

"Hey, boy," Deeks said, leaning down and scratching his mutt's ears. "You sure have impeccable timing. I was finally getting your mom to admit that she's always been madly in love with me."

He winked at me, and I played along, rolling my eyes.

"Yes, Monty," I said, bending down to the dog's level. He immediately switched to licking me. "Ugh, Monty!"

"Get your own girl Monty," Deeks said, clipping on Monty's leash and standing up. "She's mine."

* * *

"Why'd you _really_ send Monty away?"

The words were out before I'd consciously realized I'd even thought them, but they didn't seem to surprise my partner. We were cuddled on his couch again, this time with Top Model on the TV, but neither of us was actually listening to Tyra berate an aspiring model.

He looked down away from me and scratched Monty's ears. The dog leaned into his touch and wagged his tail, gazing adoringly up at his master.

"You never really answered my question before," I said, finally breaking the tense silence. "I know you didn't send him there because you couldn't take care of him," I continued, sensing his hesitation. "You take care of others—it's just who you are. I don't buy it." I paused. "So why did you send him away?"

He sighed, and for a moment I worried I'd overstepped my bounds.

_I had no right to ask, _I berated myself. _I shouldn't pry. It's not like I've been there for him like I should have, and—_

"It's… complicated," my partner's shaky voice cut off my thoughts. I twisted in his arms to look at him, but I stayed silent, sensing that he needed a moment to gather his thoughts. "When I woke up in that hospital bed, alone, I was terrified. I thought I'd dreamed the rescue—dreamed _you_—and Siderov had just moved me into a new '_arena_'," he spat the last word in disgust.

"But then a nurse came in and explained it all to me," he continued. "Which was, you know, great and all, but you weren't there. And my brain took over." He closed his eyes. "My mind kept bring up images of you. You'd been caught—that had to be it—and he'd tied you to a chair and he was…" he shuddered and trailed off, not able to continue.

"You asked which time," he spoke again, startling me again out of my thoughts. I struggled to catch up with his train of thought, and he must have noticed, because he explained, "You asked me which time I meant. About you leaving, I mean, and it was probably that one. Because, after I kissed you…"

And there it was. The elephant we'd been skirting around, even in our recent honesty. My heart stuttered at his words.

"After I kissed you," he continued, his voice stronger, "I half-way expected you to run away. I was disappointed, but I understood that it was your knee-jerk reaction."

"I'm so sorry, Deeks," I whispered, feeling a tear slip out of my eye. He leaned down and kissed it away.

"You don't have to be sorry anymore, Kens," he whispered against my cheek. "You're already forgiven. But you asked, so I'm trying to answer honestly. I don't want to keep dancing around anything anymore."

I nodded as he pulled back to look at me, understanding what he was saying.

"When you left me in that warehouse," he continued, and I couldn't help but flinch at the memory. "Hey, it's okay," he said, pulling me back to his chest. "It hurt, but I understood. At least, from a cop's perspective. But waking up all alone in that hospital…."

"It put you in that place, didn't it?" I asked.

He just nodded.

"When I got home, it just got worse. I know you called, but… my mind became a prison. And I became so paranoid." He stopped, struggling with how to say what he wanted to say. I stayed silent, knowing that he couldn't finish if I interrupted him now.

"I heard noises where none existed," he continued, looking ashamed, "and the noises that were real were intensified. One night, I'd managed to fall asleep for about twenty minutes when Monty whined to go out. I pulled my gun, and…"

He trailed off, and I didn't hesitate. I reached over and pulled him to me, hugging him with all my strength. I could picture the rest in my mind. Pulling a gun on Monty would have been a shock, and my good-hearted partner would never be able to abide putting his furry best friend in danger. I felt my heart break as I imagined him, alone after he sent Monty away.

"I know Jack told you coming home to you was like hitting the ground," he continued. I looked up at him in surprise. "But for me, coming home to _no_ you was like hitting the ground. And now, coming home with you… laughing with you… kissing you… _that's_ like flying. I'm just not sure where this thing is going."

I looked into his deep blue eyes, and I couldn't stop myself from leaning forward. Just before I pressed my lips to his, I stopped.

_Is this okay? He said being with me felt like flying, but am I allowed to just kiss him? Would he mind if—_

I was cut off as he leaned across the final inch and placed his lips on mine.

"I feel like I'm flying, too," I whispered when we parted, slightly out of breath. His answering grin was breathtaking. "But only when I'm with you."

He smiled at me, hearing the deep meaning behind my words.

"So I guess," I said slowly, "that we can just see where we fly… _together_."

* * *

_**Thank you for reading! Be sure to keep an eye out for my new story! **_

**_Blessings, _**

**_bookdiva_**


	16. And We're Good

_**AN: Hey guys! So this was a fun, easy chapter to write! It was certainly entertaining to me! Enjoy! (And I **_**_suppose, leave a review?)_**

**_Blessings, _**

**_bookdiva_**

* * *

After another hour or two of watching Top Model, Monty had fallen asleep, and I could feel my partner relaxing against me. However, I couldn't help my racing mind.

"I—I have another question for you, Deeks," I said slowly. He looked down at me and gave me a lazy smile that disappeared when he saw my serious expression.

"Okay," he said eventually. "As long as it's the last serious question for the night. And I get to ask you one, too."

I smiled to let him know it wasn't bad.—at least I hoped it wasn't bad—and nodded my consent to his terms.

"When I came to your house the other night," I began, and I could see I took him by surprise, "I was about to knock when Sam told me you weren't here. When I recovered from my mild panic attack, he told me he'd had Eric track you to a location. He said he was here because he'd, and I quote, 'said something he shouldn't have said.' I told him I was here because I didn't say something I should have said.

"I guess… what I'm asking is… well, what did Sam say? Because I have all this anger towards him now, and I'm not even sure what I'm angry about."

Deeks sighed, and ran a hand through his hair.

"Look, Kens," he said, "We worked it out. There's really no need—"

"Please?" I whispered, looking up into his eyes. "I just need to… I just…. Please?"

"Okay," he said. "Okay, but you've got to promise me that you won't… go all ninja assassin Blye on me."

I just cocked my head to the side and waited for him to go on. I knew I couldn't promise him that. He waited, then chuckled when he realized I wasn't going to answer him.

"Poor Sam," he muttered under his breath. "I was on edge," he began. "You weren't there, and I was trying not to let it throw me off. So I was chattering, like I always do when we're on stakeouts, but it was irritating Sam. I told him I could take the crap he dishes out to me, but I just wondered why. I don't remember all of it," he hesitated slightly, "but he made a comment about my jokes… my hair. I told him if it was about my hair, it needed to end. I mean, _seriously_. But then…" he trailed off, and his blue eyes glazed over with pain, "Then he said he questioned my character. Because he's Navy and I'm not. I could take a lot of crap, but not that. I hate some of the choices I've had to make—especially undercover—but they've kept me alive. And they've all been for the greater good. Or so I tell myself…"

I was speechless with anger. In fact—exempting Siderov, of course—I'd never felt so much hate for one human being.

"You listen to me, Marty Deeks," I said, standing up and pacing in front of him. I paused after a moment and turned to face him, pointing right at him. "_You_ are an amazing man. _You_ came out of unspeakable circumstances and made yourself everything you are today." His eyes were wide with surprise, and I softened my expression in response, stepping back to his side again.

"You've always had my back, and I've trusted you since… well, since the whole laser-bomb fiasco. And I've learned to trust you deeper every day, because every day I see something new in you that builds up that trust. I trust you more than I've ever trusted anyone. _Ever_.

"And I don't care if you're not Navy, or even NCIS. All I care about is that you're _you_."

I finally stopped and took a breath, looking up into his ocean-like blue eyes. He smiled down at me.

"So I guess that answers my question," he said after a long moment of silence. I just tilted my head in question.

"What question?"

"Does this make us… _official_?" he asked, sounding only slightly unsure.

There were so many ways I could respond. I could joke it off, I could avoid it… But instead I took a steadying breath and looked him directly in the eyes.

"Yes."

And once again, his answering smile was worth any discomfort on my part. But the funny thing was, standing there, smiling back up at him, I didn't feel any discomfort. Instead I felt safe, comfortable, and… right.

"Okay," he said, still grinning.

"Okay," I repeated, my expression mirroring his. "Let's get some sleep," I continued. "Tomorrow you can get the donuts and coffee and meet me at OSP."

* * *

The next morning I strode into the mission, struggling to control the rage that threatened to blind me. Sam was already at his desk.

_Perfect. _

"Gym," I said, tossing one of the taser knives at him. "_Now._" My tone left no room for disagreement.

He looked up, startled. Apparently he hadn't heard me come in.

"Kens…?" he asked warily, correctly reading the look in my eyes.

"I told you you'd have to make it right with me," I said, and understanding flashed in his eyes. "Now's the time to make it right."

"Now?" he asked, looking down at the knife I'd handed him. I glanced at my watch and figured I'd have about a half hour before Deeks got here with the coffee and donuts.

"Yes now," I said. With that, I turned on my heel and walked toward the gym.

"What the hell was that about?" I heard Callen ask Sam.

I heard Sam mutter a response, but I was already focused on my task. I may seem archaic—or possibly the _opposite_ of archaic, since I was the girl—but I needed to defend my partner's honor.

"Okay, Kens," Sam said, coming into the gym. "You know I'm sorry, right?"

"Yep," I answered curtly. "But I can't go on wanting to kill you if we're going to work together. So, in this controlled environment, we're going to fight. And," I continued, narrowing my eyes dangerously, "I'm not a little girl. I'll know if you hold back, so you better not."

"Alright, Kens," he sighed, "Let's get this over with."

We squared up on the mat in the gym, knives held high. After a moment, Sam lunged. I ducked and parried, and we were off. I turned all my rage into a deadly focus. Each move was cool, calculated, and accurate as hell.

I struck Sam on the arm, a blow that would have severed his brachial artery, and I heard him wince in pain at the shock. A few moves later, he got in a glancing blow to my shoulder, but I ignored the twinge. It wouldn't have been deadly.

We fought for another sixty seconds before I managed to land a blow that would have severed the femoral artery. It also landed Sam on his back.

"Marty Deeks," I said, standing over Sam, glaring down at him and breathing hard, "is the best man I know. But more importantly, he is _my man_. So don't you _ever_ question his character again. Got it?"

"Got it, Kens," Sam said, looking directly into my eyes.

It was enough to make the last of my anger dissipate.

"Alright, then," I said, reaching a hand down to help Sam up. He smiled and took my hand. "I guess we're done here."

* * *

_**And now, a shameless plug! Check out my two new stories: Do Not Run (which will be multi-chapter) and Sometimes It's More. **_


	17. And Together

_**AN: Wow, guys! Got my first negative review. That was… actually it was really sad. :( But hey, you gotta have tough skin if you're posting online, right? At least it took 180 reviews before I got a negative one! And then I got, like, sixteen positive reviews! WOW! Thank you sooo much to all of you who have reviewed (positive and negative)! I appreciate that you take the time to let me know your thoughts. **_

_**Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter. Because this is no longer in cannon, the characters are drifting a little, but I'm staying as true as I can! **_

_**WARNING: If you didn't like the last chapter, don't read this one. There you go, fair warning. I expect no negative reviews now ;p **_

_**Blessings, **_

_**bookdiva**_

* * *

For some reason, there was no line at the coffee shop. I thought about waiting, but then I remembered that Kensi would have already arrived at OSP, if she'd managed to leave on time. It wouldn't be suspicious for me to get there a little early. I mean, I did that sometimes.

_Besides,_ I reasoned, _I'm more of a morning person than she is. _

I smirked as I drove, remembering her reaction this morning.

* * *

_**FLASHBACK**_

_"Deeks!" _

_"Yeah, Princess?" I asked, smirking at her frazzled expression. She was standing in my bedroom doorway in my t-shirt and a pair of shorts that were mostly hidden. In short, she looked beautiful. _

_"Don't you 'Princess' me, Deeks," she hissed, holding up her clothes. "I cannot go to work in the same clothes. Either set. They'll know!" _

_My smirk just got bigger. I didn't really see a problem with them knowing, but I understood that she didn't want them to know yet. I shook off my disappointment. _

_"Well, then," I said like it was obvious, "just wear one of my shirts…" I came up to her, wrapped my arms around her, and kissed her forehead, "…again." _

_She sighed but leaned into my touch anyways. _

_"I'm still mad at you," she breathed unconvincingly. I laughed. _

_"Sure you are, Fern," I said, looking down at her. "Sure you are."_

_"Well, I will be, then," she said narrowing her eyes at me in the most adorably deadly way, "if you don't figure something out for me."_

_I smirked at her, slipped around her into my bedroom, and pulled out a new blue v-neck t-shirt I'd recently bought. _

_"Here," I said, handing it to her. "If you tuck it in, it won't look so big. And I just bought it, so no one will know it's mine. They won't find out we're… together."_

_I tried to keep the bitterness out of my voice, but Kensi's trained ear heard it. _

_"I didn't mean—"_

_"No, Kens, it's fine," I said, turning away from her to go let Monty out. _

_"No, that's not what I meant," she said, grabbing my arm and pulling me back towards her. "I just… well we didn't… and I didn't want to do the walk of shame when there wasn't… I mean…" _

_She trailed off, her cheeks slamming red. _

_I was confused for a moment or two before I put it together. I couldn't help but laugh. She glared at me, but eventually she joined me, laughing until there were tears falling down her cheeks. It felt good—it had been a long time since I'd laughed like that. Since we'd laughed like that. _

_"I do want to tell them," she whispered when we'd both calmed down. "Maybe… maybe today?" _

_I smiled and nodded. How could I deny her anything? _

_**END FLASHBACK**_

* * *

When I arrived at OSP a few minutes later, I walked into the bullpen.

"I come bearing…" I called, then realized the room was empty, "…gifts." I sat the coffee and donuts down on my desk. "Where is everyone?" I asked, looking around at the empty room.

"The gym," Eric's voice called from the stairs. "I'm headed there now. Apparently there's something BIG going down."

He shrugged and disappeared around the corner to the gym. I started up the steps and heard a low noise coming from the gym. I walked into the gym, toward the noise, and watched as my partner struck Sam on the arm, a blow that would have severed his brachial artery. He winced in pain at the shock. Callen was leaning against the wall watching with an amused grin on his face.

"What's going on here?" I asked Callen, gesturing to where my partner was annihilating Sam with deadly focus.

"Apparently," Callen said, looking up at me with a smirk, "Sam had something to 'make right', whatever that means."

I felt so stupid.

_Oh, Kens…_ I thought with a wry smile. If I did this for her—tried to defend her honor—she'd leave me bleeding on the ground. My girl likes to remind me that she can take care of herself. My smile vanished, however, when I watched Sam land a blow to her shoulder that caused her to wince. I immediately moved to stop the fight, but Callen's hand on my arm stopped me.

He shook his head tersely.

"No," he said, his ice-blue eyes serious. "Kensi said it herself: they can't work together if Kensi continually wants to kill him. Let her work this out her way."

I understood what he was saying, but that didn't mean I had to like it. It didn't much matter, though, because moments later Kensi landed a blow that would have severed the femoral artery and also landed Sam on his back.

It looked like the fight was over, but my partner moved so that she was standing over Sam, glaring down at him. I moved towards them to stop her before she could go fully ninja-assassin on poor Sam.

"Marty Deeks…" she said, stopping me in my tracks. _I'm dead. She saw me, and she knows I was going to interfere. I'm dead._ "…is the best man I know. But more importantly, he is _my man_. So don't you _ever_ question his character again. Got it?"

I heard her words, but I couldn't believe them. I could feel Callen's eyes on me from behind, but I ignored him. I heard Nell and Eric's startled gasps, but I ignored them, too.

"Got it, Kens," Sam said, looking up into her eyes which were no longer fierce and angry. I sighed in relief, breaking out of my frozen position, glad they'd worked it out.

"Alright, then," she said, reaching a hand down to help Sam up. He smiled and took her hand. "I guess we're done here."

"If you cave men are done fighting," I called causing Kensi to spin around unsteadily, "can we move this little therapy session into the bullpen? It's drafty in here, and the coffee is getting cold."

I didn't even try to disguise my smile. Kensi would have seen right through it anyways, and I wanted her to know how much her words and actions had meant to me.

"Deeks?" Kensi asked once she'd recovered from her shock, stepping over Sam towards me. "I thought you were getting… I mean, what are you doing here so early?"

"So this is how we're telling them, huh Fern?" I asked, gesturing towards Sam, Callen, Eric, and Nell, the later three who stood by the gym entrance watching with curious looks on their faces. "With a knife fight?"

She looked down at the blade in her hand, then back up at me. "I—I didn't plan on telling anyone anything," she whispered. "I just sorta…"

"Lost it?" I filled in the blank for her. She sent me an unimpressed look, but I just grinned back at her. Her mouth tightened and her eyes crinkled like she was trying not to smile.

"A little," she admitted. "But that's not the point. Now they know. If they want to say anything about it, I guess…" she paused to think for a moment. "Well, I guess I'll just have to fight them, too."

I laughed at this conclusion.

"No, Fern," I said, shaking my head. She looked up at me confused. "You don't have to fight anybody. _We_ can fight them. _Together_."

She smiled. "I like the sound of that."

* * *

_**AN: I'm sorry this is rather short, but it just felt finished. Thanks for reading, and leave a review! :D**_


	18. And Undercover

_**AN: Thank you all for the reviews! And for all those who made me feel better, I have good news: We won over the negative reviewer! (Kinda… I guess it's a long story…) Yay us! She said that the last chapter saved the one before it. **__**So anywho, this is ALMOST done, but not quite. So, here's the beginning of the end.**_

**_Also, I'm not too good at case work, so I might skip over that part and just focus on the character interactions part. You know, cause that's what I'm used to writing :)_**

**_Again, I am so thankful for my faithful reviewers! Enjoy!_**

**_Blessings, _**

**_bookdiva_**

* * *

_Remember where we left off with Kensi's POV…_

_"Marty Deeks," I said, standing over Sam, glaring down at him and breathing hard, "is the best man I know. But more importantly, he is my man. So don't you ever question his character again. Got it?"_

_"Got it, Kens," Sam said, looking directly into my eyes. _

_It was enough to make the last of my anger dissipate. _

_"Alright, then," I said, reaching a hand down to help Sam up. He smiled and took my hand. "I guess we're done here."_

* * *

"If you cave men are done fighting," I heard a familiar teasing voice over my shoulder. I spun around unsteadily in surprise. "Can we move this little therapy session into the bullpen? It's drafty in here, and the coffee is getting cold."

Deeks was standing there in front of me, grinning like an idiot, and I knew he'd seen the whole thing.

_He's supposed to be getting coffee and donuts… he's NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE! _

"Deeks?" I asked once I'd recovered from my shock, stepping over Sam towards him. "I thought you were getting… I mean, what are you doing here so early?"

My thoughts were still a jumbled mess from my fight with Sam, and seeing Deeks here, so unexpectedly, threw me off even more.

"So this is how we're telling them, huh Fern?" he asked, gesturing towards Sam, Callen, Eric, and Nell, the later three who stood by the gym entrance watching with curious looks on their faces. I hadn't even noticed them there, I'd been so intent on my fight with Sam. "With a knife fight?"

I looked down at the blade in her hand, then back up at him. He was grinning, and I could tell he'd seen more than I'd intended him to.

"I—I didn't plan on telling anyone anything," I whispered, so the others wouldn't hear. "I just sorta…" I trailed off, unsure of what I was trying to say.

"Lost it?" my partner filled in the blank for me with a cheeky grin. I sent him my best unimpressed look, but he just grinned back at me. His grin was contagious, and I had to try really hard not to smile.

"A little," I admitted after a moment. "But that's not the point. Now they know. If they want to say anything about it, I guess…" I paused. _Then can what, exactly?_ I wondered. "Well, I guess I'll just have to fight them, too."

He laughed at this conclusion.

"No, Fern," he said, shaking his head. I looked up at him, confused by his words. "You don't have to fight anybody. _We_ can fight them. _Together_."

I smiled at this. "I like the sound of that," I said, reaching up and pulling his face down to mine. After all, they knew, right? What was the harm? When we pulled apart, I whispered, "I really like the sound of that."

He grinned back down at me.

"Good," he said firmly. "Because if you get to fight to defend my honor, then it's only fair that I get to fight to defend yours."

"I can—"

"—take care of yourself," he finished for me. "Yeah, I know. But then again, I'm not exactly an invalid, either, am I?"

I shook my head emphatically, unsure of where he was going with this.

_Is this about the torture? Is he doubting himself again? Damn it, did I make him think that?_

"And I can take care of myself, right?" he continued, interrupting my panicked thoughts. Understanding dawned, so I just took his hand in mine.

"Alright, Shaggy," I said with a relieved laugh. "How about we just have each other's backs, same as always?"

He opened his mouth to reply, but Callen's voice cut him off.

"If you two are finished with this incredibly touching moment," he snarked good-naturedly, "we've got a case."

I just smiled and bumped Deeks's shoulder.

"C'mon, partner. Let's go to OPS."

We walked past the team gathered by the doorway. He didn't reach for my hand and I didn't reach for his. It was time to be professional, and we both seemed to sense that. But that didn't stop us from brushing each other as we walked. I could feel everyone's eyes on us as we walked up the stairs into OPS.

* * *

"So what's the case, Eric?" Deeks asked when we were all standing around the debriefing table in OPS. He was leaned up against the table, arms crossed against his chest. I made a conscious effort not to stare at how at ease he looked. How… _happy_ he seemed.

"Don't get too comfortable, Mr. Deeks," Hetty's voice came from behind us. No one jumped, though. We were all too used to Hetty's ninja ways.

"And why's that?" he asked. Even Hetty couldn't hold back a smile at my partner's contagious good mood.

"You're going undercover," Hetty replied. Immediately, it felt like my heart dropped to my toes.

_Deeks. Alone. LAPD. Alone. No back up. Alone. No back stopping. Alone. Deeks. _

"Home grown terrorists who call themselves The Patriots," Hetty continued, snapping me out of my frantic thoughts. I sighed in relief. Domestic terrorism was NCIS jurisdiction. It wasn't much, but it was a small comfort. "A high-end, wealthy group of Americans has become known to Sec-Nav, and she is insisting that it be brought down. After the near-scandal with the compromised meetings, she's in need of a big win, and she thinks this is it."

"Okay," Deeks said slowly. "And where, exactly, do I come into this?"

"Your physique, Mr. Deeks," Hetty said, shocking everyone in the room.

"Whoa, huh, okay. That just… happened," my partner muttered, eyes wide in shock. He shifted back and forth uncomfortably. "Umm, you know I'm… I'm flattered, Hetty. Really, I am. But I can't do that, anymore. You see, I—I have a… a g-girlfriend, and I don't think she'd, I mean, hum…"

"I'm well aware of your relational status, Mr. Deeks," Hetty said, tipping her head to the side with an amused half-smile. "You will be going under as Max Gentry, an all-American, boy-next-door, typical man. Ms. Blye," she continued, and I looked at her in hope, "will be Fern Gentry, your wife."

I couldn't help the laugh that escaped my lips at my partner's incredulous expression. "Mr. Gentry is a lawyer. You work out of your own firm, and that's how you met your wife. Mrs. Gentry," Hetty said, turning towards me, "is a paralegal who still works with her husband. Before you go under, I expect you to talk with Mr. Deeks about what is expected of a paralegal. Mr. Hanna," she continued, turning toward Sam, "you will be Mr. and Mrs. Gentry's body guard, Mr. White. Mr. Callen," Hetty said, once again diverting her attention to the person she was speaking to, "you will be Mr. Romanov, a russian with ties to terrorist groups."

"What are they planning?" Callen asked.

"One of the nukes recovered from the Siderov case went missing last night," Hetty said ominously. I felt my partner tense beside me. "Intel suggests that The Patriots are in the midst of purchasing the weapon. However, they're lawyer died yesterday in a car accident. When SecNav got wind of this, she placed documents recommending Max Gentry in the dead lawyer's files..."

Hetty continued on explaining the case, but I couldn't bear to listen. I could tell my partner was fighting back anxiety at the mention of the Siderov case, the nukes, all of it. I reached over discretely and grabbed his hand. I squeezed it gently, causing him to look over at me.

_You're not alone, _I said with my eyes. _I'm here. You're not alone._

I was once again thankful for our non-verbal communication skills when he managed a shaky smile. He wasn't okay—and honestly, neither was I—but we were together this time, and that made all the difference.

"Report to wardrobe, and then suit up. We go in tonight."

"Hey," I said, grabbing my partner's hand and dragging him into a changing room. Suddenly, I didn't know what to say.

Deeks smiled and seemed to sense my unease. "Gee, Fern," he said, "I thought we were staying professional at work?"

His joke was weak, but he was still trying. I forced a smile in return.

"I just… I'm here for you. You know that, right?" I asked, looking deep into his eyes.

"I know, Kens," he said, completely serious. "And that's what makes all the difference. Besides," he said with a real smirk, "you fought Sam for me. I don't think a few homegrown terrorists would even faze you."

"You got that right," I grinned at his real humor. "Fern and Max against the world!"

"Fern and Max," he said smiling. "I like that. But I think I like Kensi and Marty better."

"Kensi and Marty…" I pretended to think about it. Then I leaned over and kissed him. "Forever…."

* * *

**_I love you all! Haha, leave a review! They make me smile :D_**


	19. And Under THE Covers

_**AN: Thank you to all who have reviewed! Seriously, before this, the most reviews I ever got for a story was 76! Crazy!**_

_**Due to some anonymous messages I have received, I've had to disable the Guest reviewers. I can't stand people who tear other people down without so much as even a name (fake, fan fiction, or otherwise). It's cowardly and rude. **_

_**However, I really appreciate all you Guests who have sent encouraging messages to me! I encourage you to create an account and try writing for yourself! I'd love to see it! (And any of you, message me if you do write something, so I can be sure to read it! I might or might not not catch it right away, but I always love to read stories! NCIS: LA or anything else I ship… check out my profile if you're wondering, but I'm sure I have more, too! Just ask!)**_

_**Thank you all for your support. You can't know what it's meant to me. But, I think it's about time to wrap this up, so this will be the second to last chapter of And I Didn't. Not too shabby for a first NCIS: LA story that was supposed to only be a one-shot! Okay, unnecessarily long AN is finished! **_

_**Blessings,**_

_**bookdiva**_

* * *

"Hey," Kensi said, grabbing my hand and dragging me into a dressing room with her. I could sense her nerves, and I knew exactly what she wanted to say. I smiled, trying to alleviate her tension.

"Gee, Fern," I joked weakly, "I thought we were staying professional at work?"

She gave me a forced smile for my efforts.

"I just… I'm here for you," she said, looking into my eyes. "You know that, right?"

"I know, Kens," I said, completely serious. I was still reeling over the connection to Siderov, but Kensi's reassuring hand on my arm was calming me down. "And that's what makes all the difference. Besides," I said, with real humor, "you fought _Sam_ for me. I don't think a few homegrown terrorists would even _faze_ you!"

This got a real smile out of her.

"You got that right," she said with a cocky glint in her eye. "Fern and Max against the world!"

"Fern and Max," I said, shifting it around in my mind. "I like that. But," I continued, "I think I like Kensi and Marty better."

"Kensi and Marty," she said, thinking it over. I shivered at the sound of her voice saying my name. She smiled. "Forever…"

I cut her off with a quick kiss.

"Now, we need to get dressed, _Fern_," I said, emphasizing her cover name. "We've got work to do."

She grinned and sashayed out of the dressing room, leaving me alone to my thoughts. Instead of worrying about the tie to Siderov, though, I couldn't help but think about how much fun this was going to be.

_This is work, _I reminded myself sternly. _And Sam will be there. Work,_ I repeated in my mind. _Work, work, work, work…._

* * *

Our undercover house was ridiculous. It was bigger than our Melissa and Justin house. It was, in a word, excessive. On the ground floor was a large kitchen and dining area, along with a room for Sam, our live-in body guard, and two other guest bedrooms, each with their own bathroom.

Upstairs, there was another guest suite, most likely for a nursery or a child's room. At the moment, it was serving as Max Gentry's office. I smiled at the thought of someday needing such a room for our own little mutant ninja assassins.

_Not right now, _I decided, as I continued to pretend to survey our home. _But someday. _

"I don't like it," Kensi whispered in my ear. "It's too…"

"Big?" I finished for her, pretending to be kissing her ear. "Excessive? Ridiculous?" I pulled back and saw the laughter in her eyes. "I could go on—"

I was cut off as she opened the door to the master bedroom. We both stood there in awe.

"Okay," I said, finally breaking the silence. I turned to look at her with a smirk, "I officially disagree. This house is perfect."

Her eyes reflected my amazement, and with a teasing grin she sashayed up to me. "You know, Max," she said in a low, seductive voice, "I think I might just change my mind, too…"

I leaned down to kiss her, but we were interrupted by Sam walking up the stairs. We stepped apart and pretended to be looking around the room.

"Am I interrupting something?" the big man asked, trying to hide his smirk. I just scoffed.

"Please, Sam," I said, inserting an air of mock-superiority into my voice. "We are professionals." At both Kensi's and Sam's incredulous looks, I dropped the act. "Well, Fern is," I said with a wink.

They both laughed.

"I just wanted to tell you that we're clean," Sam said. "No bugs as of yet."

"Good," Kensi nodded, shooting her eyes briefly over to me. She smiled at me softly, then turned back to Sam. "We establish contact early tomorrow. We should get some sleep."

"Yeah," I hurried to agree with Kensi. At Sam's suspicious look, "I have to be at the offices by six to run counter surveillance measures."

"Uh-huh," Sam muttered under his breath as he turned away. He stopped and turned. "Just remember this is work, and I'm in the room right below you. So _no funny business_."

I just chuckled and called back, "Whatever you say, Sam!"

He shook his head but kept walking. I felt Kensi's arms slip around me, pressing herself up against me. I instinctively leaned back into her touch.

"Soooo, Max…" she whispered in my ear. "Where were we?"

I swallowed and turned around, careful to keep her at an arm's length. Her beautiful, mismatched eyes turned confused as she gazed up at me.

"We were headed to bed," I said softly. She smiled suggestively and opened her mouth, but I cut her off, "To sleep," I clarified.

"Oh." She looked down self-consciously. "Right. Yeah, let's… hum." she pulled away from me and went to rummage in her bag. She pulled out a pair of sweatpants and one of my old t-shirts, but she still wasn't looking at me. I sighed. Clearly she got the wrong impression.

"Fern?" I called. She kept her back toward me, so I walked up to her and wrapped my arms around her. "I think you're misunderstanding me here, Princess."

She stayed stubbornly tense for all of ten seconds before relaxing back into my embrace.

"And how's that?" she asked, her tone daring me to lie to her. I chuckled.

"Well, for one thing," I said, spinning her around, "Sam is right below this room." Her cheeks blushed at my insinuation. "And for another," I continued, "I don't want any aliases between us. I just want it to be Kensi and Marty."

She smiled up at me.

"I think I can live with that," she said, pulling my lips down to hers. "Forever."

"Forever," I agreed, kissing her again.

* * *

Two weeks later I was in. Emanuel Smith, the head of The Patriots, had reached out to me five days into the mission, and our meeting last night had gone well, if a little late, and the whole thing should be wrapped up tonight. I smiled as I remembered Kensi's reaction when I'd gotten home twenty minutes late.

_**FLASHBACK**_

_Well that went well, I thought to myself, unable to contain my smile. I opened the door, unsurprised to hear techno music blasting from the basement gym. _

_I walked down the stairs, and was almost just around the corner when I heard Kensi yelling at Sam._

_"—should've checked in hours ago!" _

_"Calm down, Kens," Sam shouted back, over the music. "He's twenty minutes late." I glanced down at my watch to realize that he was, indeed, correct. "He's probably just stuck in traffic or something."_

_I turned the corner and saw Kensi, pacing back and forth. She turned to Sam and threw her arms in the air. _

_"But what if he's not stuck in traffic?" Kensi worried. As she started pacing again, Sam's eyes met mine. He smiled at me and shook his head. I opened my mouth to alleviate her fears, but she didn't see me and kept right on yelling over the music. "What if—what if he's hurt? Or worse?! Huh? We need to go, now, because I can't—"_

_"Kens!" I yelled over the music. "She spun around unsteadily, and I reached my arms out around her waist to steady her. Sam shook his head and went to turn the techno music off. _

_The sudden quiet was eerie. _

_"I'm fine, Princess," I whispered. A look of relief flashed briefly in her eyes. Then her fist came up and punched my arm. "Ow! Fragglerock! What was that for?" _

_"For making your wife worry," she said, glaring at me. _

_"I was twenty minutes late!" I exclaimed, throwing up my hands incredulously. "I didn't even really realize I was, oomph—"_

_I was cut off by her lips on mine as she kissed me passionately. I responded immediately. When Sam finally cleared his throat, we pulled apart. _

_"Don't do it again," she whispered, rubbing my shoulder where she'd punched me. _

_"Yes, ma'am," I said, grinning back down at her. _

_"So, if I can interrupt," Sam's amused voice cut in through my Kensi-fog, "you wanna give me a run down of the plan tomorrow?" _

_**END FLASHBACK**_

"Max!" Emanuel's voice jolted me out of my memory. "How's it going, buddy?"

"Good," I said with a smile as I shook his out-stretched hand. "Where's the goods?"

"Warehouse on 67th," he said. I froze at the mention of a warehouse.

_Don't panic, don't panic. Say something… _

_**"You're good, Deeks," **_Kensi's voice came over my coms unit. _**"I'm here. We're tracking with you, and as soon as you get confirmation, we'll take 'em down." **_

I relaxed at her words and smiled. Emanuel hadn't noticed anything off.

"Follow my car," he said, slapping me on the back as he got into his car. I got into Max Gentry's rather expensive-looking car and followed him to the warehouse district. We turned off on 67th street and pulled off by a run down looking building.

"Talk, Kens," I said, knowing she could hear me. "Talk about anything, just…"

_**"You got it," **_she said over my coms. I know she was thinking about the night she'd talked me to sleep over a horror movie and Yummy Yummy Heart Attack.

Emanuel and I both exited our cars and walked in the warehouse without a word.

_**"I'm thinking about getting another dog," **_Kensi began in my ear. I fought back a smile as I followed Emanuel to the shipping crates in the back that were guarded by two armed men. _**"I mean, it's not fair for Monty to be an only child… I mean, dog," **_she quickly corrected her slip, but I caught it. _**"I was thinking a female… something to even out the numbers, you know? And then we could take them both to the beach on the weekends. You can surf, I can get some sun, and Monty will have someone to play with…" **_

"What's with the muscle?" I asked, more for my team's benefit than any real curiosity. "You'd think two guys with guns would attract some unwanted attention."

Emanuel laughed as if I'd made a great joke.

"You sent the address to your buyer?" he asked.

"Yeah," I replied steadily. Kensi's continued chatter helped me control my slight unease. "He should be here momentarily."

At once Kensi's chatter stopped. _**"We're moving in Deeks," **_she said. I smiled.

"What are you smiling about now, Max?" Emanuel's good-natured teasing cut me off. "Your buyer hasn't come through yet."

I looked over at him, still unable to contain my grin. In a few seconds, the warehouse would be in a shoot out. I discretely moved toward the crates, knowing I couldn't be in the line of fire when the SWAT team burst in. As planned in advance, I'd be arrested, as well, in case I was ever needed undercover in this same group. Eric had already created a fake paper trail for me, in a far away prison.

"Yeah," I agreed. "But once this is over with, I get to take my wife out to dinner."

_**"Three… two… one…" **_I heard Callen count down in my ear. Then, suddenly, there was chaos.

"NCIS! Don't move!" Callen shouted. Emanuel turned around, and froze. The two goons raised their guns, but Callen and Sam fired in unison, taking them both down. Their faces were obstructed by their helmets. Emanuel turned to me, and I put on a surprised, panicked expression. I raised my arms in the air, and seeing me surrender, he complied as well.

"What the hell's going on, Manny?" I hissed.

"I don't know, Max…" he said. Callen came up and cuffed him harshly.

Sam walked up behind me and slipped the cuffs on my wrists gently. It was the first time I'd been arrested, but it was the first time I'd been restrained since the torture, and I felt myself tense.

_**"You're okay, Deeks. As soon as Emanuel's out, I'll be in there."**_ Kensi's voice was just what I needed. I couldn't afford to lose it with Emanuel watching.

"Don't talk," he called as Callen began to drag him away.

I gave him my best smirk. "Attorney-client privilege."

He gave me a relieved smile, and I nodded back at him. Thankfully, this ruse could hold up. My personal testimony would be unnecessary thanks to the loads of evidence this raid had turned up.

As soon as he was out of sight, Kensi ran in the back door of the warehouse. She pushed Sam out of the way and undid the cuffs from around my wrists. I could see in her eyes that she wanted nothing more than to kiss me, and I felt the same way. I squeezed her hand to let her know that I understood. No matter the circumstances, we had to maintain boundaries at work. For the sake of our partnership.

She beamed up at me.

"So… dinner tonight, huh?" she said, raising her eyebrows quizzically.

I nodded and leaned to whisper in her ear. "It's about time we had our first date, don't you think, Fern?"

She shivered slightly, but her voice was steady when she replied.

"As long as it's just Kensi and Marty."

"You got it, Kens."

* * *

_**Well, there it is! Just one more chapter to go! (The first date!) Positive reviews speed up the writing process… that's just how it goes!**_


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